Saturday, August 4, 2007

The Story behind the Kiki - Part 2

Part 1

So I'd done the digging. I had a name and phone number. I got an address via switchboard.com. I had no clue who this woman was, so I called in a favor from my friend Z. She has the ability to access certain information and she told me where this woman worked.

With my husband.

Now I knew who it was. I remember thinking "No fucking way. It can't be her. No. Fucking. Way." Unfortunately, I was at work when I found out. I went out front, to talk to my friend T. Everyone thought I was having a heart attack because I was so red.

I didn't know what to do. I could never understand how a woman would want to be with a man who cheated. That line about "I still love him" just never sat right with me. How could you love someone that couldn't be faithful? I'd made a choice about that when I was younger. That I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me.

Yet, here I was in that exact situation. I knew I had to talk to him about it, knowing that NO time was a good time. And I definitely didn't want the kids around when I did. A few weeks went by, and a chance presented itself. New Year's Eve (which is also my son's birthday). I sent the kids next door to L's house.

Me: "What is this?", handing him the receipt.
M: "Looks like a receipt.", attempting to hand it back.
Me: "Look at it closer."
M: "It's for a dozen roses."
Me: "That I never got."
M: "I forgot them at the bar."
Me: "So you're telling me that you went out, bought roses at 8:43 PM, just to forget them at the bar?"
M: "Yes. I thought you'd like them."
Me: "Am I supposed to believe that you would buy flowers, just to carry them around all night long? You sat at the bar with roses? While you drank? Is that what I'm supposed to believe?"
(No answer from M)
Me: "Well, I hope SkankWhore liked them. Or should I call her Skank?" (obviously not her real name)

He swore up and down they were for me, but the whole time he is telling me this he cannot look me in the eye. He tells me that he would leave me before he hurt me like that. LIAR. Things went downhill even faster after that.

Since I wasn't going to get answers from him, I had to continue digging. I printed his phone records as far back as it allowed me to go. I went through two years worth of calls, using three different colors I highlighted calls to me, to her, and to my house.


Super Bowl Sunday. He had asked me to cook a few special things to eat while watching the game. While I am cooking, he decides that he is going out to watch the game. Mother fucker. So now, I have to lie to my kids about why I am crying. I hate lying.

I have a tendency to overanalyze things. I think and think and think and think.... I also used to have a tendency to overreact to things, and just let my anger take over, exploding on whoever was nearby. I couldn't take that path. I decided that the "It's all his fault" approach was wrong. But I'd be damned if I was going to take all the blame. And she was going to take her fair share as well. So I told him how his actions made me feel, and that I wanted to work to fix this marriage. I recognized the fact that I have a third of the blame for this mess. I told him that they were not to call each other, or see each other.

He kept insisting they were just friends, and that nothing was going on between them. I was doing my best to keep it together. I didn't want my kids to know what was going on. They noticed, and even asked if we were going to get divorced.

Valentine's Day. I drop about $400 on a "romance" package at a local hotel. Meanwhile, his company is moving to a different building about a mile away. The next morning, he decides that he needs to be there to help pack stuff and move.

I had myself tested for STDs. Those few weeks were horrible. I kept wondering who I was going to kill first if I had anything. Everything came back clean. I told him he was damn lucky, and he seemed surprised that I had myself tested. I'd found a spot from my office building to watch him leave his (he worked on the next block). I decided to pay a visit to the parking ramp where she parked her car, since he was still getting rides home. I waited in a corner stairwell, waited til I saw them go by and followed them. They were in the car when I stepped in behind it. What if she doesn't see me standing here?

WHAM!! My hand slams down on the trunk of her car. They jump out of their skin. He slowly looks back... I point at him, then to the floor next to me. I tell him that I don't understand why he keeps doing this to us, and that if it is me to just tell me. He grabs my hand as we walk and tells me that he wants me to be who I am. I stop, pull my hand away "But I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know up from down. I don't eat, I can't sleep. All I can think of is this fucking mess."

After we got home, we started talking. He said he felt like I was on a witch hunt, looking for something that wasn't there. "I'm looking because you won't talk to me and tell me the truth."

Finally, a day came when I had iron-clad, squirm-proof evidence that he had cheated. R, a younger neighbor who looked up to M stopped by to see him, but he was out again. R asked why I was upset and I told him. He told me he had seen M getting into her car. A block away from my house. And that he had seen him kiss her.

That was it. Fuck this shit, I can't take it any more. The next day, we were supposed to go to M's sister's house for a birthday party. I asked him how many times had he gotten into her car, leaned over and kissed her. "A lot" was his answer. I asked him how many times he fucked her. "Enough" was his answer. "How. Many. Times. Did. You. Fuck. Her?", I very menacingly asked. "Two to three times a month." I removed my ring, threw it at him and told him to go to his sister's party and leave me the fuck alone. When asked if he loved her, he said he didn't feel the same about her as he did me. What a bullshit answer.

Two days later, I leave work early. I wait outside his new building. Co-workers start leaving for the day. Here comes Skank. She tries to go around me. "Oh, no. You and I have to talk." I ask her if she has any morals at all, because she knew he was married with children. Called her a sad excuse of a woman, because she couldn't find a man of her own. Told her that she could piss me off all she wanted to, but she was hurting my kids and I WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT. (I started yelling at this point) I didn't give a crap that everyone they worked with knew they were fucking. One lady wanted to call the police on me. Good thing she didn't because then I would have nothing else to lose. I asked when is the last time she fucked my husband and her answer pissed me off even more. I told her that I was done with her, and that it was her lucky day because "I'm going to let you live." As she turned away from me, I spit on her.

I turn towards M, and start beating the hell out of him. I told him to take our daughter to this event she had, then get the fuck out of my house.

When he got back, he started packing a bag. That was the only point during this whole thing that I was actually scared to let him leave. I told him not to go. He suggested counseling, and even made the appointment.

You might be wondering why I put up with all of this shit. We had 13 years of marriage and two kids. I didn't stay with him because of the kids. Hell, I didn't even marry him because of them. I didn't stay with him because I was scared to be alone. We went to counseling, and both learned new things about ourselves and each other. I stayed with him because he finally showed remorse, accepted his share of the blame and apologized for hurting me. He recognized the fact that he needed me more than I needed him. I've forgiven him, and myself. I don't regret any actions I took, considering how he seemed indifferent about the subject.

In part 1, I mentioned that this was still fresh for me. It's not as fresh as I thought. I actually had to go look at my old journal to remember a few things. When asked why, he gave the following reasons: "I didn't feel loved, appreciated, or wanted." We have learned to open up to each other. More importantly, we've learned how to listen for the unspoken thoughts hiding behind our words.

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