Hearing footsteps, Kiki stretches her arms lazily above her head as she lounges on the luxurious brocade couch, a small smile just touching the corners of her mouth. You can hear her take a deep breath, almost purring as she exhales. She sits up, looking at you with half sleepy eyes as if she were waking from a thousand-year sleep.
I know I've been seriously lacking in posts. So much has happened, or in my case... not happened. I feel like my life is so screwed up and I don't even know where it took a wrong turn. My marriage is fucked, and this time by both of us. We never really tried to work it out, we were lazy. Even though I posted that we'd recognized that we'd try to remedy the lack of communication, we never really did. He at least has acknowledged that we really haven't had a decent conversation in at least 8 years... which is a big deal for him because it means he CAN face up to the bad things even if he wont do anything about them.
Things were tense at home. My DNA Sponsor (father... DNA for short) was living with us for waaaay too long and I wasn't strong enough to face my fear of him and kick him out of the house. He was being shady and bullying my kids when we weren't at home. He acted like it was HIS house. And I let it all happen because I have always been scared of him.
Hub never really had much to say about the whole thing except negative things that we already had said a million times about DNA. It got tiring having to hear it all over and over and over and over again. Even the kids started doing it. I cant say I blame them, though. I started to shut down, and yes I turned to the computer. Despite the fact that Hub had been texting someone else, I tried to keep the computer out of my marriage and would only go online when Hub was at work.
After I found out he was still texting her, I let my online time slowly started to creep more into the day, while Hub was home. It started with a half hour, during the time when Hub would be getting ready for work, then an hour, then two.. you get the picture. I was having fun chatting and roleplaying online. I didn't want to deal with DNA's shit anymore and going up to my room to be online and ignore it all was what I did.
During the past year, a few things have happened. Of course, the lack of communication continued, I kept going online, the kids kept complaining about DNA... so basically, business as usual. Then it happened. I never planned for anything like it to happen, but it did. I started spending more and more time online for one particular person. I looked forward to logging in to find her there, waiting for me, so I kept going online to chat with her. Yes, I said her. I'll call her SCW (more coming on that)
In March 2010, I finally got DNA out of the house. It was rather explosive how it happened. My house is barely big enough for me, hub and the kids... and yet DNA stayed with us for about 5 years. He thinks he's some kind of Daniel fucking Boone, where he can just walk into the woods and live off the land. He actually tried it too, but the great state of New York Parks Department wont let people live in a state park. Go figure...
I live in an old carriage house, the first floor is the garage, galley kitchen and tiny bathroom. The second floor is the dining room, living room and kids rooms. Third floor is my room. DNA slept on the floor in the living room. We had all just finished watching a movie, Hub and I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I forgot my cup, so ran back up to the living room to grab it and finally witnessed DNA pushing my son around. And for what? The damned remote for the TV... I walked into the living room and saw DNA puffing out his chest, saying "c'mon yer a big man, hit me" and bumping son towards the couch. Then DNA actually put his hands on my Son, shoving him down. I lost it. All the anger and frustration finally broke the dam, and I raised my voice at DNA "who the fuck do you think you are?! keep your fucking hands off my kid. i dunno what right you think you have, but you need to get the fuck outta my house.. like NOW"
DNA glared at me as he walked past me, I asked Son what happened and I got even angrier at the answer, storming back downstairs with full intentions of beating the crap out of DNA. Hub had no clue what was going on as I barrelled past him, almost elbowing him in the face as I tried to get at DNA. I was boiling with rage, and nearly blacked out from it. I vaguely remember things I said to DNA, things like I'm done with you, you're dead to me.. I definitely remember getting to the door once I pushed past Hub. He grabbed me, and both kids grabbed me to keep me inside. They barely succeeded in keeping me inside. I remember yelling from the kitchen at DNA, as well as somehow actually getting outside. Most of the tension in the house lifted, there was no more walking on eggshells for any of us. At least not because of DNA.
Things settled down, I kept chatting with SCW. Things progressed between us, and my online affair has been going on for about a year. She knows I'm married and how things have gone downhill there. There is a minimal chance that I'll get to meet her in person, she's in another country and I have no way of getting there at the moment. We've spoken to each other via Skype, so yes, she's very real and very female. I don't expect anyone to understand what I have with her, and to be honest I don't care.
I had a feeling Hub was still texting someone else.. I even had a fleeting thought that he might try to contact the skankwhore from his first affair. I never thought he actually would, but he did. I found out about that in October 2010. Almost a year to the day that I found out Hub was still texting the second one. His best friend's wife busted both of them at the skankwhore's house, and called me to let me know. I tried texting Hub and calling, but no answer for almost 4 hours. The one text I did get said "all i can say is i'm truly sorry" Really? That's it?
It didn't get any better between us. It didn't get any worse either. It became stagnant. He never really gave me any insights as to how he felt, except for that night he got busted at skankwhore's house. He actually raised his voice at me, telling me it was because I ignored him. Really?! Oh, so the fact that he'd already had a relationship in the past with skankwhore, and was texting a second someone (possibly even skankwhore for all I know) and didn't stop had absolutely NOTHING to do with the failure of a marriage in which we found ourselves. No, no impact whatsoever. Nor did the hell we went through with DNA make a difference. It was all my fault. He pissed me off when he told me that if I didn't want to be here that I could go where ever the hell it was that DNA went to live.
Yes, I take my part of the blame for this time around. Yes, I did ignore him somewhat. But how would you feel after going through everything I'd gone through to find out that it didn't seem to make a difference anyway? I started to feel like I'd made him my priority while I was his option. I told him he didn't have to stop seeing her. I don't know or care if he did. I offered open marriage (I don't know why.. felt like an option at the time LOL) He kept saying "I'll go by whatever you decide." and "No matter what, I'll always love you" Meaning he didn't want or care to face up to the fact that the marriage was fucked and possibly didn't see a way to remedy the situation. Sure, leave it all up to me. AGAIN. I waited til after Christmas, I didn't want to ruin that for my kids, even if they are teenagers.
I told him I wanted to separate. Not that we actually did.. he's still living in the house, mostly for financial reasons. There are no loving conversations, no physical contact (not even a handshake). We're more like roommates than estranged husband and wife. We each still do our own thing. I don't question where he goes, not that he actually goes many places. The kids act out (of course). It's still a mess...
