Whacked Out Wednesday

It's been a while since I posted my Mute Monday and TMI late in the day. I have good reason. I called off work on Monday. My stomach hurt a bit, but to be honest I just really didn't feel up to a day of stupidity. I'm glad that I did stay home.

When the Boy was born, he changed my life. My mother had always told me of the magic of the bonding that occurs immediately after delivery. Even though he is the first born, I did not get that experience until Baby Girl was born 16 months later. The Boy was born with a very rare birthmark, never seen by anyone at the hospital where he was born. He has the correct number of toes, fingers and eyes. But because his birthmark is a medical conundrum, they immediately took him to the NICU and I did not get to bond with him.

Nevertheless, the Boy was my world. Such a sweet little ham that loved having his picture taken. He couldn't speak yet, but as soon as he saw that camera he would strike a pose. Everything was so simple back then.

Now that he is a teenager, things are WAY different. I expected his teen years to be rough, but I never expected this. I allow the kiddles to use my computer and go online. Usually, they go to myspace. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I needed to post my Mute Monday pics. There is a lovely little feature of IE7 that just happened to come in handy this past Monday. It's called History, and the kiddles don't know about it.

I see google searches for Jessica Biel and Alyssa Milano nude pics. No big deal, the Boy is at the age where he should be looking at tits-n-ass. Then I see this: Suicide.com WTF!?!?

I show M, and we both go talk to the Boy. Dammit. I should have paid more attention. I know what the signs are - withdrawing into the video games, mood swings, staying in his room all day. He said he feels lonely even when he is around other people. He told Baby Girl that he "has secrets that will go to the grave" with him. He's 17. What kinds of secrets is he going to have?!

Things have been scrambling around my brain since Monday. I don't know what to say to him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to me or M. We gave him a hotline number, but don't know if he has called it. The point is, I know what he is feeling. I was there once, and it took a while to come back from that. I know that it doesn't matter what anyone says, those feelings are still going to be there. They might even stay even if he does go to a counselor.