Well, my online relationship with SCW finally fizzled out for good. So much has happened, and for a while I felt like I'd been left in a tailspin that I couldn't escape... I was feeling sorry for myself, but deep down I think I knew it wasn't going to work out the way I'd hoped it would. Knowing I was living a dream didn't make it hurt any less. My head and my heart were on completely different pages, leaving me on a roller coaster with very short upsides, and very deep and frequent downs. I truly did develop feelings for her.. and now she's gone from my life in the aspect of a 'relationship'. She wants to stay friends, and I'm willing to do that because I'd rather smile that we're friends than cry because that's all we'll ever be.
The past two years have been both the best and worst for me. My first instinct is to say that it was my fault I let my marriage fall apart, but in truth I'm not the only one that let it fall apart. I thought things were going well, until I looked at his damn phone. I don't know WHY I did it, but what's done is done and can't be undone. He said it was nothing, but his subsequent actions led me to lose hope that maybe I could actually be enough for him for the rest of our lives. Then about two months after I found out he was still 'doing nothing', I met SCW online. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. Two months after we met, we were inseparable for nearly a year and a half. Then she took a job that required her attention, yet allowed her to be logged in while working. I didn't mind that so much, but it took its toll on her. I think that's when she started to turn off her feelings for me because shortly after that she wanted to take a break and just be friends. It hurt a bit to know she wanted a break, but I agreed to it.. knowing there wasn't much I could do about it or for her. Being so far from her was one issue for us. another being that our 'exes' still lived with us. She wanted time to find peace for herself, to feel normal again. *sighs* I should have just left it all behind me at that point, but she didn't help matters by still acting as if she wanted to be with me online. Giving me hope that maybe we could have still had something.
I know it's stupid to think an online relationship could have gone anywhere. But I was so in love with her and in retrospect, I think I needed her more than she needed me but I chose to ignore it for far too long. It fell apart even more when one drunken night landed her with a new girlfriend. Well.. until she decided she really wanted to be with her Ex of quite a few years, stating that the Ex was her soul-mate and that she couldn't live without her. I was supportive of that, basically relaying my own thoughts and experiences to her from when I was trying to deal with Hub after his first time of cheating.
It didn't help. The Ex screwed up big time, causing SCW to be so disgusted with her and finally be done... leaving the door wide open for the new girl to step in. I know I shouldn't act like that towards the girl but I was jealous. Especially since SCW recently told me she's in love with her. Even after SCW said it probably wouldn't last. But once SCW said she was in love, that was it for me. That was enough to get me to finally let go of her. She doesn't deserve my love, especially if she's able to turn her own feelings on and off at the drop of a hat and fall in love randomly, probably going to make a future of it moving from one woman to the next to the next and so on.
I deserve better than that. So, its time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment