Wow.

So Project Me hasn't exactly taken off like I said it would. It's SO much easier to not take that harsh look at myself and find out who I am. SCW said to me the other day "if you don't know who you are, then you're nobody". At the time, I agreed with that, because I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I just float through the day and let the wind take me in whichever direction it happens to go.

I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.

My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.

"I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was"- Unknown

WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?

I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.

"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"

Project Me

I've been depressed for far too long. My marriage is fucked, my online relationship lost its spark (probably forever) and I seem to have lost myself in the entire process. I've cried too many tears in the past few months. Probably more than when Hub cheated on me the first time.

Things between me and SCW haven't gotten any better. She thinks I don't care and that I'm not putting much effort into being just friends, and therefore havent put much effort into the relationship. She says she turned her life upside down for the past two years to be with me. As if I haven't done the same. True, her sleep schedule got totally fucked because she is six hours ahead of me and therefore her days and nights flipped, while mine pretty much stayed the same. But quite a few times, I've called off work because she asked me to. I've stayed up all night because she had to work a long shift, I've spent money on her in the game just because I'm like that. There's other things I wont go into here, but I think I seem to give til there's nothing left. Seems like the wrong ways, both in the game and RL, because if I was doing something right NONE of this would have ever have happened. I'd still be happily in love with my husband, completely oblivious to the fact of anything going on. But this line of thinking is taking me down the wrong path - again.

I've got to find myself and if you can all bear with me, I'll track some of my progress here. I'll admit it.. I'm scared to do this. But I NEED peace of mind and I'm the only one that can get it for me. I found a website that might help. It's things I already know to do, and SCW has already told me the same things a million times. I cant seem to let go of her, even though she's somewhat distancing herself from me, and hanging out with her other online ex. I should probably get the hint. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless.

Happiness is....

Ah, happiness... that ever elusive little thing that we all have the inalienable right to pursue. But at what cost? At some point in the past few weeks, I posted this on Twitter: "what gives you that euphoric feeling? not just happy, but makes u glow with joy" I also posted something similar to my Facebook page, but only one person answered and I really didn't understand the answer. Still haven't gotten a reply to my comment of the answer. I stopped to think about the last time I'd felt truly happy, and one friend said I had that glow when I was crafting.

I asked because happiness for me had been quite elusive over the past month prior to two weeks ago. Probably longer then that, but it's really hit me hard over that month. I was crying nearly every day, hoping the pain would lessen but it didn't feel like there was going to be an end to the pain. I cried for my failed marriage, I cried for the way my kids treat me because of all the things going on, I cried because of my failed online relationship. It all seemed to hurt just as much as it did when SCW asked if I'd mind "just being friends for a bit" while she gets some peace of mind for herself after practically living at her computer for probably more than two years. Actually closer to four, since we've been talking for a year and a half and she'd already been in that world and other games at least a year before me. Even as I sat here trying to find the words to express myself, the tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop them. That's how it was during the month of August, the tears flowed freely with no end in sight. And no matter how many tears I shed, it didn't seem to help wash the pain away. Oddly enough, I think losing SCW hurts more than losing my husband.

We'd get online and stay there for hours, chatting and doing silly shit. We'd text each other when we couldn't be online at the same time and eventually spoke to each other via Skype. We played all kinds of games, watched movies over the internet together, laughing at corny jokes or silly roleplay scenarios in which we participated. She brought out a side of me that I never knew existed - one that not even Hub could find. She left the broken pieces of my heart on the ground and filled the empty spaces with her love and taught me a new way to love. The past two weeks have seen the weight lifted from my shoulders because I wrote her a long letter, telling her how sad I had been. Even though we were still just friends, I felt so much relief.

Until Hub said he was moving out.

(insert big heavy sigh) While I can't see us fixing the situation, I can't see being here without him either. So that same day I talked to SCW, I talked to Hub, telling him how I'd been feeling about things between us. And as usual, I did most of the talking. He gave a little bit of insight (very little) but it was more than I'd ever gotten before. Still.. it doesn't make up for his indiscretions and makes me feel like a piece of shit. He had a surprised look on his face when I told him I thought things were good for us just before I found out he'd been texting a second bitch. Then when I found out he was still texting her six months later, I'd lost all hope because it didn't just break my heart. It shattered my heart into a million pieces, making me lose all hope. With everything that's happened over the past 22 years that we've been together, I'd always held onto the hope that our love would get us through anything. Apparently not.

Most days my thoughts were a jumbled mess, kind of like when you take out the Christmas lights and you have to spend an hour untangling them. I couldn't seem to latch onto one thought and put it to paper or blog. Since talking to both of them, I've felt better in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months. Except yesterday, which was a really bad down on myself day. Part of the way I was feeling like a piece of shit comes from the fact that I'm older (not tellin' you how old either :D) have two Associate degrees, 10 years experience in the computer field but cant seem to find a job where my skills and experience will work. Either I'm overqualified due to the experience and degrees, or I'm underqualified due to lack of certifications. It's been about two years since I've worked in the computer field and I'm not exactly sure I want to work with them in the capacity I had before. Some of the knowledge is beginning to fuzz. I like where I work now (aside from weekly policy changes that we have to sign), but it's not what I picture for myself for the rest of my life either.

Then I had a really nasty customer that called me a "damn bitch", which normally doesn't bother me. Normally. I'd just had enough of the rude customers and she was the icing on the cake. My mental state plummeted and I think I visibly wilted. I went on break shortly after that, and responded to a text from Hub asking if I was having a good day.

Me: "not really, but will be ok maybe"
Him: "they givin u a hard time?"
Me: "some of the customers, and have a shitty schedule next week. had a bad thought"
Him: "oh I c"

OK, maybe he missed that last bit. Maybe i was too vague. But wouldnt you think to ask "bad thought?" if you saw that? It certainly didn't help my mood, and only now am I able to think rationally about it since at the time I was wondering what it would feel like to slice my arm open. And before you freak out, I'm not going to do that. I can't.. I've got to do the NaNoJouMo with Sara :3

More to come....

In a Nutshell

Hearing footsteps, Kiki stretches her arms lazily above her head as she lounges on the luxurious brocade couch, a small smile just touching the corners of her mouth. You can hear her take a deep breath, almost purring as she exhales. She sits up, looking at you with half sleepy eyes as if she were waking from a thousand-year sleep.

I know I've been seriously lacking in posts. So much has happened, or in my case... not happened. I feel like my life is so screwed up and I don't even know where it took a wrong turn. My marriage is fucked, and this time by both of us. We never really tried to work it out, we were lazy. Even though I posted that we'd recognized that we'd try to remedy the lack of communication, we never really did. He at least has acknowledged that we really haven't had a decent conversation in at least 8 years... which is a big deal for him because it means he CAN face up to the bad things even if he wont do anything about them.

Things were tense at home. My DNA Sponsor (father... DNA for short) was living with us for waaaay too long and I wasn't strong enough to face my fear of him and kick him out of the house. He was being shady and bullying my kids when we weren't at home. He acted like it was HIS house. And I let it all happen because I have always been scared of him.

Hub never really had much to say about the whole thing except negative things that we already had said a million times about DNA. It got tiring having to hear it all over and over and over and over again. Even the kids started doing it. I cant say I blame them, though. I started to shut down, and yes I turned to the computer. Despite the fact that Hub had been texting someone else, I tried to keep the computer out of my marriage and would only go online when Hub was at work.

After I found out he was still texting her, I let my online time slowly started to creep more into the day, while Hub was home. It started with a half hour, during the time when Hub would be getting ready for work, then an hour, then two.. you get the picture. I was having fun chatting and roleplaying online. I didn't want to deal with DNA's shit anymore and going up to my room to be online and ignore it all was what I did.

During the past year, a few things have happened. Of course, the lack of communication continued, I kept going online, the kids kept complaining about DNA... so basically, business as usual. Then it happened. I never planned for anything like it to happen, but it did. I started spending more and more time online for one particular person. I looked forward to logging in to find her there, waiting for me, so I kept going online to chat with her. Yes, I said her. I'll call her SCW (more coming on that)

In March 2010, I finally got DNA out of the house. It was rather explosive how it happened. My house is barely big enough for me, hub and the kids... and yet DNA stayed with us for about 5 years. He thinks he's some kind of Daniel fucking Boone, where he can just walk into the woods and live off the land. He actually tried it too, but the great state of New York Parks Department wont let people live in a state park. Go figure...

I live in an old carriage house, the first floor is the garage, galley kitchen and tiny bathroom. The second floor is the dining room, living room and kids rooms. Third floor is my room. DNA slept on the floor in the living room. We had all just finished watching a movie, Hub and I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I forgot my cup, so ran back up to the living room to grab it and finally witnessed DNA pushing my son around. And for what? The damned remote for the TV... I walked into the living room and saw DNA puffing out his chest, saying "c'mon yer a big man, hit me" and bumping son towards the couch. Then DNA actually put his hands on my Son, shoving him down. I lost it. All the anger and frustration finally broke the dam, and I raised my voice at DNA "who the fuck do you think you are?! keep your fucking hands off my kid. i dunno what right you think you have, but you need to get the fuck outta my house.. like NOW"

DNA glared at me as he walked past me, I asked Son what happened and I got even angrier at the answer, storming back downstairs with full intentions of beating the crap out of DNA. Hub had no clue what was going on as I barrelled past him, almost elbowing him in the face as I tried to get at DNA. I was boiling with rage, and nearly blacked out from it. I vaguely remember things I said to DNA, things like I'm done with you, you're dead to me.. I definitely remember getting to the door once I pushed past Hub. He grabbed me, and both kids grabbed me to keep me inside. They barely succeeded in keeping me inside. I remember yelling from the kitchen at DNA, as well as somehow actually getting outside. Most of the tension in the house lifted, there was no more walking on eggshells for any of us. At least not because of DNA.

Things settled down, I kept chatting with SCW. Things progressed between us, and my online affair has been going on for about a year. She knows I'm married and how things have gone downhill there. There is a minimal chance that I'll get to meet her in person, she's in another country and I have no way of getting there at the moment. We've spoken to each other via Skype, so yes, she's very real and very female. I don't expect anyone to understand what I have with her, and to be honest I don't care.

I had a feeling Hub was still texting someone else.. I even had a fleeting thought that he might try to contact the skankwhore from his first affair. I never thought he actually would, but he did. I found out about that in October 2010. Almost a year to the day that I found out Hub was still texting the second one. His best friend's wife busted both of them at the skankwhore's house, and called me to let me know. I tried texting Hub and calling, but no answer for almost 4 hours. The one text I did get said "all i can say is i'm truly sorry" Really? That's it?

It didn't get any better between us. It didn't get any worse either. It became stagnant. He never really gave me any insights as to how he felt, except for that night he got busted at skankwhore's house. He actually raised his voice at me, telling me it was because I ignored him. Really?! Oh, so the fact that he'd already had a relationship in the past with skankwhore, and was texting a second someone (possibly even skankwhore for all I know) and didn't stop had absolutely NOTHING to do with the failure of a marriage in which we found ourselves. No, no impact whatsoever. Nor did the hell we went through with DNA make a difference. It was all my fault. He pissed me off when he told me that if I didn't want to be here that I could go where ever the hell it was that DNA went to live.

Yes, I take my part of the blame for this time around. Yes, I did ignore him somewhat. But how would you feel after going through everything I'd gone through to find out that it didn't seem to make a difference anyway? I started to feel like I'd made him my priority while I was his option. I told him he didn't have to stop seeing her. I don't know or care if he did. I offered open marriage (I don't know why.. felt like an option at the time LOL) He kept saying "I'll go by whatever you decide." and "No matter what, I'll always love you" Meaning he didn't want or care to face up to the fact that the marriage was fucked and possibly didn't see a way to remedy the situation. Sure, leave it all up to me. AGAIN. I waited til after Christmas, I didn't want to ruin that for my kids, even if they are teenagers.

I told him I wanted to separate. Not that we actually did.. he's still living in the house, mostly for financial reasons. There are no loving conversations, no physical contact (not even a handshake). We're more like roommates than estranged husband and wife. We each still do our own thing. I don't question where he goes, not that he actually goes many places. The kids act out (of course). It's still a mess...