Ah, happiness... that ever elusive little thing that we all have the inalienable right to pursue. But at what cost? At some point in the past few weeks, I posted this on Twitter: "what gives you that euphoric feeling? not just happy, but makes u glow with joy" I also posted something similar to my Facebook page, but only one person answered and I really didn't understand the answer. Still haven't gotten a reply to my comment of the answer. I stopped to think about the last time I'd felt truly happy, and one friend said I had that glow when I was crafting.
I asked because happiness for me had been quite elusive over the past month prior to two weeks ago. Probably longer then that, but it's really hit me hard over that month. I was crying nearly every day, hoping the pain would lessen but it didn't feel like there was going to be an end to the pain. I cried for my failed marriage, I cried for the way my kids treat me because of all the things going on, I cried because of my failed online relationship. It all seemed to hurt just as much as it did when SCW asked if I'd mind "just being friends for a bit" while she gets some peace of mind for herself after practically living at her computer for probably more than two years. Actually closer to four, since we've been talking for a year and a half and she'd already been in that world and other games at least a year before me. Even as I sat here trying to find the words to express myself, the tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop them. That's how it was during the month of August, the tears flowed freely with no end in sight. And no matter how many tears I shed, it didn't seem to help wash the pain away. Oddly enough, I think losing SCW hurts more than losing my husband.
We'd get online and stay there for hours, chatting and doing silly shit. We'd text each other when we couldn't be online at the same time and eventually spoke to each other via Skype. We played all kinds of games, watched movies over the internet together, laughing at corny jokes or silly roleplay scenarios in which we participated. She brought out a side of me that I never knew existed - one that not even Hub could find. She left the broken pieces of my heart on the ground and filled the empty spaces with her love and taught me a new way to love. The past two weeks have seen the weight lifted from my shoulders because I wrote her a long letter, telling her how sad I had been. Even though we were still just friends, I felt so much relief.
Until Hub said he was moving out.
(insert big heavy sigh) While I can't see us fixing the situation, I can't see being here without him either. So that same day I talked to SCW, I talked to Hub, telling him how I'd been feeling about things between us. And as usual, I did most of the talking. He gave a little bit of insight (very little) but it was more than I'd ever gotten before. Still.. it doesn't make up for his indiscretions and makes me feel like a piece of shit. He had a surprised look on his face when I told him I thought things were good for us just before I found out he'd been texting a second bitch. Then when I found out he was still texting her six months later, I'd lost all hope because it didn't just break my heart. It shattered my heart into a million pieces, making me lose all hope. With everything that's happened over the past 22 years that we've been together, I'd always held onto the hope that our love would get us through anything. Apparently not.
Most days my thoughts were a jumbled mess, kind of like when you take out the Christmas lights and you have to spend an hour untangling them. I couldn't seem to latch onto one thought and put it to paper or blog. Since talking to both of them, I've felt better in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months. Except yesterday, which was a really bad down on myself day. Part of the way I was feeling like a piece of shit comes from the fact that I'm older (not tellin' you how old either :D) have two Associate degrees, 10 years experience in the computer field but cant seem to find a job where my skills and experience will work. Either I'm overqualified due to the experience and degrees, or I'm underqualified due to lack of certifications. It's been about two years since I've worked in the computer field and I'm not exactly sure I want to work with them in the capacity I had before. Some of the knowledge is beginning to fuzz. I like where I work now (aside from weekly policy changes that we have to sign), but it's not what I picture for myself for the rest of my life either.
Then I had a really nasty customer that called me a "damn bitch", which normally doesn't bother me. Normally. I'd just had enough of the rude customers and she was the icing on the cake. My mental state plummeted and I think I visibly wilted. I went on break shortly after that, and responded to a text from Hub asking if I was having a good day.
Me: "not really, but will be ok maybe"
Him: "they givin u a hard time?"
Me: "some of the customers, and have a shitty schedule next week. had a bad thought"
Him: "oh I c"
OK, maybe he missed that last bit. Maybe i was too vague. But wouldnt you think to ask "bad thought?" if you saw that? It certainly didn't help my mood, and only now am I able to think rationally about it since at the time I was wondering what it would feel like to slice my arm open. And before you freak out, I'm not going to do that. I can't.. I've got to do the NaNoJouMo with Sara :3
More to come....
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