What a ride!

It's been way too long since I've posted here.  That makes me sad...  I used to journal all the time, carrying my little notebook and pens with me everywhere and jotting down how I felt anytime something bothered me. The past year and a half has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, and I've barely scratched the surface of swirling feelings and new things I've experienced. Which means this is going to be a long post...


The online relationship

I felt so lost after this broke up, despite the fact that I was still married to M. I fell harder for SCW than I had for M, and it took its toll on me mentally. We're still friends, but we don't talk as much as we used to anymore. My feelings were still there and I found it too difficult to hear about her escapades. I started to think of her as my drug, I knew it was bad for me yet I couldn't get enough of her. Just seeing her name online made me feel better and I'd forget all the heartache and pain for a while. I still miss her from time to time, but I can't focus on my future if I'm looking back. It gets easier everyday to let go of her.


Divorce

Such an innocent looking little word, isn't it? Yet the feelings associated with divorce have been described as how you feel when someone dies.  Depending on the situation, it is a bit like death. I knew my marriage was over way before I started filling out the papers. Hell, it was over before I fell for SCW. He cheated on me, texted some bitches, and tried to lay the blame at my feet. It was never completely all my fault, that's one thing I held onto once I found out he'd cheated on me. I accepted my share of the blame, but I don't think he ever did. Whenever we "tried" to talk about where things were going with the marriage, he never offered any opinions, insights or regrets. He merely agreed with everything that was said. And when I say we tried to talk, I was the one doing most of the talking.

The divorce has been final for just over a year now, I got the papers on my birthday of all days. Just remember: There's always THREE sides to the story. My side, his side, and the truth somewhere in between. To this day, I still don't know the entire truth or his side. It used to be extremely hard to deal with that, it's like having a huge jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces and no picture as reference. I'm ok with not knowing at this point. Knowing wont change anything, it might actually make my point of view on the whole marriage and divorce worse. I'll admit, it hurts to see him. I still care about him, but I don't love him the way I used to. I can't, especially when I think he did love me the same way at first, but then some little twisted thought got in his head and he lost that when he cheated.


The biggest change of all

Not one, but TWO major life changes in less than six months! The week that everything fell apart with M was the same week I met A. If not for his trip to Pennsylvania for a "job interview" (read that as more than likely a trip to be with his skankwhore), I might never have met her. That's right. I said her. We went to see Silent House the night we met (horrible movie, btw), but we clicked and talked just about every day, about everything and anything. The day that M came back from his trip is the day my life flipped upside down and inside out. He'd barely been home for a few hours when I did the MOST idiotic thing in my life. I snuck out of the house like a teenager to meet up with her (we were only talking, nothing physical at that point)

Pretty ballsy to shove it in his face like that, but I really wasn't thinking when I did it. It pissed him off enough that he sent me a snarky text and packed his stuff and left that night. A few days later, he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry he reacted like that and that he was sorry for all that he'd done to me. Yet he can't say all that to my face. The kids reacted badly to the news, not surprising since I've found out he spun it so that I was the bad guy. My mother took it badly too, but she's since come around.  She's come to realize the person I love is the same gender as me doesn't change the fact that I'm still her child. I am a slightly different person though. Still not sure WHO I am, but now is the time to redefine and refine myself.


Engagement & Wedding

A dear friend once told me a few jokes:

What's a lesbian's second date?
A U-Haul truck.

What's a gay man's second date?
What second date?

I can't say how true it might be about the gay man's second date, but the lesbian's second date..  well...  yea, ok that's somewhat true.  It wasn't long after M left me that night that I started staying at A's place at least three or four days a week.  My kids are older, so they really didn't need me around as much. Daughter wouldn't even look at A if she came to visit me at the house. Son is way more laid-back than his sister, and was just glad to see me happy for once. I'm sure they got tired of my sporadic, spastic bouts of crying rivers.

I eventually started bringing more of my items from my house and finally changed my address. Sadly (maybe it's more pathetic, really) I still don't have all of my belongings out of my house. I really need to change that, it's making me feel like I don't belong anywhere with my stuff floating between two cities. We got engaged shortly before my divorce was final, but it took a while for me to tell Mom and the kids. I wasn't sure if any of them were ready to hear the news.

Just about every weekend for the past year and a half, I've been going to spend time with my kids.  They've always been my anchor to this world, and they have grown into truly amazing adults. They've both come around and actually like A, and can't wait to be a part of our Beetlejuice themed Halloween wedding.


The reason I started this blog

I originally started this blog as a way to find a part of myself that I thought needed to be more prominent. I always thought there was a sex kitten hidden in me, but now that I think back on things, I realize I was trying to be something I'm NOT for someone ELSE that didn't truly appreciate me as I was. I wasn't being true to myself. I've never been one to look at other people (male OR female) and think "Damn!  What a sexy beast!" I actually like to get to know a person first.

Now that I'm in a more stable, loving relationship that makes me happy 99.5% of the time, I feel more comfortable being ME as I learn more about this girl called Kiki. Don't get me wrong, no relationship is 100% perfect, there's always little things that are going to drive you or your partner batshit crazy. But if the good outweighs the bad, then it's all worth it in the end.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self something, I'd tell me "Let your voice be heard. Don't settle for bullshit. You ARE a wonderful, beautiful person. Learn to love yourself"

Good thing I'm listening to myself.