Wow.

So Project Me hasn't exactly taken off like I said it would. It's SO much easier to not take that harsh look at myself and find out who I am. SCW said to me the other day "if you don't know who you are, then you're nobody". At the time, I agreed with that, because I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I just float through the day and let the wind take me in whichever direction it happens to go.

I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.

My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.

"I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was"- Unknown

WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?

I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.

"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"

Project Me

I've been depressed for far too long. My marriage is fucked, my online relationship lost its spark (probably forever) and I seem to have lost myself in the entire process. I've cried too many tears in the past few months. Probably more than when Hub cheated on me the first time.

Things between me and SCW haven't gotten any better. She thinks I don't care and that I'm not putting much effort into being just friends, and therefore havent put much effort into the relationship. She says she turned her life upside down for the past two years to be with me. As if I haven't done the same. True, her sleep schedule got totally fucked because she is six hours ahead of me and therefore her days and nights flipped, while mine pretty much stayed the same. But quite a few times, I've called off work because she asked me to. I've stayed up all night because she had to work a long shift, I've spent money on her in the game just because I'm like that. There's other things I wont go into here, but I think I seem to give til there's nothing left. Seems like the wrong ways, both in the game and RL, because if I was doing something right NONE of this would have ever have happened. I'd still be happily in love with my husband, completely oblivious to the fact of anything going on. But this line of thinking is taking me down the wrong path - again.

I've got to find myself and if you can all bear with me, I'll track some of my progress here. I'll admit it.. I'm scared to do this. But I NEED peace of mind and I'm the only one that can get it for me. I found a website that might help. It's things I already know to do, and SCW has already told me the same things a million times. I cant seem to let go of her, even though she's somewhat distancing herself from me, and hanging out with her other online ex. I should probably get the hint. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless.