It's been way too long since I've posted here. That makes me sad... I used to journal all the time, carrying my little notebook and pens with me everywhere and jotting down how I felt anytime something bothered me. The past year and a half has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, and I've barely scratched the surface of swirling feelings and new things I've experienced. Which means this is going to be a long post...
The online relationship
I felt so lost after this broke up, despite the fact that I was still married to M. I fell harder for SCW than I had for M, and it took its toll on me mentally. We're still friends, but we don't talk as much as we used to anymore. My feelings were still there and I found it too difficult to hear about her escapades. I started to think of her as my drug, I knew it was bad for me yet I couldn't get enough of her. Just seeing her name online made me feel better and I'd forget all the heartache and pain for a while. I still miss her from time to time, but I can't focus on my future if I'm looking back. It gets easier everyday to let go of her.
Divorce
Such an innocent looking little word, isn't it? Yet the feelings associated with divorce have been described as how you feel when someone dies. Depending on the situation, it is a bit like death. I knew my marriage was over way before I started filling out the papers. Hell, it was over before I fell for SCW. He cheated on me, texted some bitches, and tried to lay the blame at my feet. It was never completely all my fault, that's one thing I held onto once I found out he'd cheated on me. I accepted my share of the blame, but I don't think he ever did. Whenever we "tried" to talk about where things were going with the marriage, he never offered any opinions, insights or regrets. He merely agreed with everything that was said. And when I say we tried to talk, I was the one doing most of the talking.
The divorce has been final for just over a year now, I got the papers on my birthday of all days. Just remember: There's always THREE sides to the story. My side, his side, and the truth somewhere in between. To this day, I still don't know the entire truth or his side. It used to be extremely hard to deal with that, it's like having a huge jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces and no picture as reference. I'm ok with not knowing at this point. Knowing wont change anything, it might actually make my point of view on the whole marriage and divorce worse. I'll admit, it hurts to see him. I still care about him, but I don't love him the way I used to. I can't, especially when I think he did love me the same way at first, but then some little twisted thought got in his head and he lost that when he cheated.
The biggest change of all
Not one, but TWO major life changes in less than six months! The week that everything fell apart with M was the same week I met A. If not for his trip to Pennsylvania for a "job interview" (read that as more than likely a trip to be with his skankwhore), I might never have met her. That's right. I said her. We went to see Silent House the night we met (horrible movie, btw), but we clicked and talked just about every day, about everything and anything. The day that M came back from his trip is the day my life flipped upside down and inside out. He'd barely been home for a few hours when I did the MOST idiotic thing in my life. I snuck out of the house like a teenager to meet up with her (we were only talking, nothing physical at that point)
Pretty ballsy to shove it in his face like that, but I really wasn't thinking when I did it. It pissed him off enough that he sent me a snarky text and packed his stuff and left that night. A few days later, he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry he reacted like that and that he was sorry for all that he'd done to me. Yet he can't say all that to my face. The kids reacted badly to the news, not surprising since I've found out he spun it so that I was the bad guy. My mother took it badly too, but she's since come around. She's come to realize the person I love is the same gender as me doesn't change the fact that I'm still her child. I am a slightly different person though. Still not sure WHO I am, but now is the time to redefine and refine myself.
Engagement & Wedding
A dear friend once told me a few jokes:
What's a lesbian's second date?
A U-Haul truck.
What's a gay man's second date?
What second date?
I can't say how true it might be about the gay man's second date, but the lesbian's second date.. well... yea, ok that's somewhat true. It wasn't long after M left me that night that I started staying at A's place at least three or four days a week. My kids are older, so they really didn't need me around as much. Daughter wouldn't even look at A if she came to visit me at the house. Son is way more laid-back than his sister, and was just glad to see me happy for once. I'm sure they got tired of my sporadic, spastic bouts of crying rivers.
I eventually started bringing more of my items from my house and finally changed my address. Sadly (maybe it's more pathetic, really) I still don't have all of my belongings out of my house. I really need to change that, it's making me feel like I don't belong anywhere with my stuff floating between two cities. We got engaged shortly before my divorce was final, but it took a while for me to tell Mom and the kids. I wasn't sure if any of them were ready to hear the news.
Just about every weekend for the past year and a half, I've been going to spend time with my kids. They've always been my anchor to this world, and they have grown into truly amazing adults. They've both come around and actually like A, and can't wait to be a part of our Beetlejuice themed Halloween wedding.
The reason I started this blog
I originally started this blog as a way to find a part of myself that I thought needed to be more prominent. I always thought there was a sex kitten hidden in me, but now that I think back on things, I realize I was trying to be something I'm NOT for someone ELSE that didn't truly appreciate me as I was. I wasn't being true to myself. I've never been one to look at other people (male OR female) and think "Damn! What a sexy beast!" I actually like to get to know a person first.
Now that I'm in a more stable, loving relationship that makes me happy 99.5% of the time, I feel more comfortable being ME as I learn more about this girl called Kiki. Don't get me wrong, no relationship is 100% perfect, there's always little things that are going to drive you or your partner batshit crazy. But if the good outweighs the bad, then it's all worth it in the end.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger self something, I'd tell me "Let your voice be heard. Don't settle for bullshit. You ARE a wonderful, beautiful person. Learn to love yourself"
Good thing I'm listening to myself.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Ends
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Ends
Cheers to all of us thieves!
36. Have you watched American Horror Story?
YES! I love weird shows like this :D
37. Baseball hat or toque?
Baseball hat
38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?
Shampoo first.
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
Wet toothbrush, it makes the toothpaste stick better.
40. Pen or pencil?
Blue Pen
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
A few times, mostly slot machines.
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
No
43. Have you thrown up in a car?
I was in the car, but stuck my head out the window. Does that count?
44. Have you thrown up at work?
Yes.
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
Of course, but not because I'm scared. I love roller coasters!
46. How many shoes do you have?
At least five.
47. Who was your first roommate?
A good friend, I knew her in high school. (I'll call her SS)
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
A Fuzzy Screwdriver. I was a rookie at drinking and had no clue that I should NEVER let anyone else at a party make my drink for me.
49. What was your first job?
Newspaper delivery girl
50. What was your first car?
Still working on this one :D
51. When did you go to your first funeral?
When SS' younger sister was killed by a drunk driver.
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
41
53. Who was your first grade teacher?
I can't remember her name.
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
West Palm Beach, Florida
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
My current fiancee
56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
My first bestie was Z, and yes, we're still besties
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?
LOL I didn't go far from home... I moved next door.
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
It used to be my ex, but now.. no one really.
59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
My paisan!
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Take care of all the animals.
61. What was the first concert you attended?
The Jackson 5 Reunion Tour in 1983.. yes, I liked Michael Jackson BEFORE he was white.
62. First tattoo or piercing?
My first tattoo is a dream catcher with a monarch. My first piercing (other than my lobes) is the cartilage on my right ear.
63. First celebrity crush?
Johnny Depp
Cheers to all of us thieves!
36. Have you watched American Horror Story?
37. Baseball hat or toque?
Baseball hat
38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?
Shampoo first.
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
Wet toothbrush, it makes the toothpaste stick better.
40. Pen or pencil?
Blue Pen
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
A few times, mostly slot machines.
42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
No
43. Have you thrown up in a car?
I was in the car, but stuck my head out the window. Does that count?
44. Have you thrown up at work?
Yes.
45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
Of course, but not because I'm scared. I love roller coasters!
46. How many shoes do you have?
At least five.
47. Who was your first roommate?
A good friend, I knew her in high school. (I'll call her SS)
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
A Fuzzy Screwdriver. I was a rookie at drinking and had no clue that I should NEVER let anyone else at a party make my drink for me.
49. What was your first job?
Newspaper delivery girl
50. What was your first car?
Still working on this one :D
51. When did you go to your first funeral?
When SS' younger sister was killed by a drunk driver.
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
41
53. Who was your first grade teacher?
I can't remember her name.
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
West Palm Beach, Florida
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
My current fiancee
56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
My first bestie was Z, and yes, we're still besties
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?
LOL I didn't go far from home... I moved next door.
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
It used to be my ex, but now.. no one really.
59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
My paisan!
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Take care of all the animals.
61. What was the first concert you attended?
The Jackson 5 Reunion Tour in 1983.. yes, I liked Michael Jackson BEFORE he was white.
62. First tattoo or piercing?
My first tattoo is a dream catcher with a monarch. My first piercing (other than my lobes) is the cartilage on my right ear.
63. First celebrity crush?
Johnny Depp
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part Two
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part Two
Cheers to all of us thieves!
21. Did you go to your high school prom?
Yes. Although a few of my friends pressured me into it, otherwise I would not have gone.
22. Perfect time to wake up?
When I wake up.. I used to get up between 5:30 and 6:30 am to get online for SCW. I've been sleeping til 9:30 lately.
23. Perfect time to go to bed?
I normally go to sleep between midnight and 2 am. The time difference between me and SCW caused that.. I'd stay up late to say good morning and see her off to work, then sleep while she was working and wake up just before it was time for her to go home.
24. Do you use your queen right away in chess?
I'm not sure which is the queen... I don't play chess.
25. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes. But I wasn't IN the car.. I was run over by it.
26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither?
I've always been closer to my mom.
27. What age is this exciting life over for you?
Obviously I'm not psychic...
28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I don't think being a teen during ANY decade was easy. I'd choose to skip being a teen if I could.
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
I'd have to say the peep toe shoes I got for Dollie's wedding.
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
No, but I did have my high school jacket for a long time after I graduated.. I wonder whatever happened to it.
31. Were you in track and field?
Nope. I didn't participate in too many extra curricular school sanctioned activities.
32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
Weren't you listening? I just said I didn't do extra curriculars.
33. Have you ever written in a library book?
Yes.. but I don't remember why
34. Allergic to?
Stupidity, animals, watermelon and cantaloupe.
35. Favorite fruit?
I love most fruit, but if I have to pick only one, I'm going with strawberries.
Cheers to all of us thieves!
21. Did you go to your high school prom?
Yes. Although a few of my friends pressured me into it, otherwise I would not have gone.
22. Perfect time to wake up?
When I wake up.. I used to get up between 5:30 and 6:30 am to get online for SCW. I've been sleeping til 9:30 lately.
23. Perfect time to go to bed?
I normally go to sleep between midnight and 2 am. The time difference between me and SCW caused that.. I'd stay up late to say good morning and see her off to work, then sleep while she was working and wake up just before it was time for her to go home.
24. Do you use your queen right away in chess?
I'm not sure which is the queen... I don't play chess.
25. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes. But I wasn't IN the car.. I was run over by it.
26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither?
I've always been closer to my mom.
27. What age is this exciting life over for you?
Obviously I'm not psychic...
28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I don't think being a teen during ANY decade was easy. I'd choose to skip being a teen if I could.
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
I'd have to say the peep toe shoes I got for Dollie's wedding.
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
No, but I did have my high school jacket for a long time after I graduated.. I wonder whatever happened to it.
31. Were you in track and field?
Nope. I didn't participate in too many extra curricular school sanctioned activities.
32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
Weren't you listening? I just said I didn't do extra curriculars.
33. Have you ever written in a library book?
Yes.. but I don't remember why
34. Allergic to?
Stupidity, animals, watermelon and cantaloupe.
35. Favorite fruit?
I love most fruit, but if I have to pick only one, I'm going with strawberries.
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One
Thought I'd throw in a little fun thing today.. it can't all be bad here, right?
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One
Cheers to all of us thieves!
1. Song that always makes you sad?
Right now.. ALL of Adele's songs. She's got a wonderful voice, but I'm still tending to a broken heart. Also Conversations by Mutt (ft. Kevin King) , Between Two Lungs by Florence and the Machine (another awesome voice), Inner Smile and When We are Together by Texas make me sad, they hold special meaning for me.
2. Last thing you bought?
A bottle of water for my friend, and a candy bar for myself
3. Last person you argued with?
SCW, sort of... we never really 'argued' but it was always mostly her being pissed off at me for some dumb shit.
4. Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?
Just a tiny bit of butter. It makes the peanut butter somehow more creamier
5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
Ben E. Bear
6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?
Nope. I'm not even sure I've ever listened to them
7. Favorite day of the week?
Any day I don't have to take three buses to get to work
8. Favorite sundae topping?
Strawberries
9. Did you take piano lessons?
Nope, not one musically inclined bone in my body.
10. Most frequent song played?
I have to pick just one? Too hard to pick ONE that I play too much.
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
Jersey Shore LOL I watch it with Baby Girl
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Hockey!
13. Date someone older or younger?
I'd like to date someone younger.. but not TOO much younger
14. One place you could travel right now?
I recently wanted to go to the Czech Republic, but no longer. Can I travel back in time instead? Say about 12 years or so?
15. Do you use umbrellas?
Sometimes, but I usually end up forgetting I had one and leave it behind.
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
No
17. Favorite cheese?
Gouda
18. The Smith’s or The Cure?
Metallica. Or Florence and the Machine. Or Slipknot.
19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
Brunettes. I've had so much trouble with blondes.. usually they were butting in where they weren't wanted and interrupting any type of relationship I've ever had.
20. Best job you ever had?
Even though it was stressful and thankless, the IT job at the college was the best. It was close to home, I had so much freedom with my schedule and (for the most part) how I got things done. Too many drawbacks outweighed the good things.
Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One
Cheers to all of us thieves!
1. Song that always makes you sad?
Right now.. ALL of Adele's songs. She's got a wonderful voice, but I'm still tending to a broken heart. Also Conversations by Mutt (ft. Kevin King) , Between Two Lungs by Florence and the Machine (another awesome voice), Inner Smile and When We are Together by Texas make me sad, they hold special meaning for me.
2. Last thing you bought?
A bottle of water for my friend, and a candy bar for myself
3. Last person you argued with?
SCW, sort of... we never really 'argued' but it was always mostly her being pissed off at me for some dumb shit.
4. Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?
Just a tiny bit of butter. It makes the peanut butter somehow more creamier
5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
Ben E. Bear
6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?
Nope. I'm not even sure I've ever listened to them
7. Favorite day of the week?
Any day I don't have to take three buses to get to work
8. Favorite sundae topping?
Strawberries
9. Did you take piano lessons?
Nope, not one musically inclined bone in my body.
10. Most frequent song played?
I have to pick just one? Too hard to pick ONE that I play too much.
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
Jersey Shore LOL I watch it with Baby Girl
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Hockey!
13. Date someone older or younger?
I'd like to date someone younger.. but not TOO much younger
14. One place you could travel right now?
I recently wanted to go to the Czech Republic, but no longer. Can I travel back in time instead? Say about 12 years or so?
15. Do you use umbrellas?
Sometimes, but I usually end up forgetting I had one and leave it behind.
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
No
17. Favorite cheese?
Gouda
18. The Smith’s or The Cure?
Metallica. Or Florence and the Machine. Or Slipknot.
19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
Brunettes. I've had so much trouble with blondes.. usually they were butting in where they weren't wanted and interrupting any type of relationship I've ever had.
20. Best job you ever had?
Even though it was stressful and thankless, the IT job at the college was the best. It was close to home, I had so much freedom with my schedule and (for the most part) how I got things done. Too many drawbacks outweighed the good things.
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...
Ok.. before you all get yer panties in a bunch, I'm NOT advocating drunk driving. If you're going to drink, here are some suggestions for things you can do other than drive:
- KEEP YOUR ASS HOME. Not only does this keep you from driving, but it's so much closer to stumble to your bed or couch when you finally do pass out.
- Get a Designated Driver. Either a friend willing to watch you make a fool of yourself or arrange for a taxi to take you home.
- Sleepover! If you cant stay home and drink, or don't have anyone to drive you around, do the next best thing and spend the night at someone else's house. Take some extra with you to share with them :D
I have no problem with people that want to drink. I enjoy it myself. Although I will admit, lately it's more to dull the heartache I feel. Calm yer bits.. I know that's not the way to deal with things. I'm well aware of the dangers of falling into the bottle. Most of my family are alcoholics. My own mother has been through AA herself, only to find herself cracking open a cold one during the time shortly after her mother passed away. I let her know I was disappointed by that, but she's an adult. She's going to do what she's going to do no matter what anyone says or does. She's been good about it.. she's not drinking herself into oblivion or driving drunk.
Two weeks ago, I bought a 375ml bottle of Black Velvet for myself. Two weeks ago.. I've had some the past few days. Keep in mind, its not a huge bottle. So basically, only 8 or 9 shots.. depending on the size of your glass :D I've been using a 20 ounce coke bottle to mix my drinks.. meaning I'll get about 5 drinks of that size. Spread out over 4 days.. that's really not a lot. You could have knocked me over with a feather when Hub said "That's all you got left?!" after looking at my bottle that still has 2-3 shots worth of liquid left.
(Insert sudden sound of squealing brakes here)
Really?! This coming from a man that has no problem knocking back a 12 pack on any given day, sometimes multiple consecutive days? Excuse the fuck outta me?! Is he fucking serious?! I'm a grown person, capable of making my own choices. Yea, sometimes they are bad ones but still mine to make. Fucking hypocrite. I'm NOT drowning my sorrows, nor am I blaming anyone else for my drinking. I am fully aware that I am drinking, how much I am drinking and WHY. Unlike SOME people. Yes, its to help numb me for a little bit, but I've ALWAYS been a responsible drinker. Very few times in my life have found me so drunk I was barely aware of my surroundings. I don't like that.
This really aggravates me.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Time to turn the page...
Well, my online relationship with SCW finally fizzled out for good. So much has happened, and for a while I felt like I'd been left in a tailspin that I couldn't escape... I was feeling sorry for myself, but deep down I think I knew it wasn't going to work out the way I'd hoped it would. Knowing I was living a dream didn't make it hurt any less. My head and my heart were on completely different pages, leaving me on a roller coaster with very short upsides, and very deep and frequent downs. I truly did develop feelings for her.. and now she's gone from my life in the aspect of a 'relationship'. She wants to stay friends, and I'm willing to do that because I'd rather smile that we're friends than cry because that's all we'll ever be.
The past two years have been both the best and worst for me. My first instinct is to say that it was my fault I let my marriage fall apart, but in truth I'm not the only one that let it fall apart. I thought things were going well, until I looked at his damn phone. I don't know WHY I did it, but what's done is done and can't be undone. He said it was nothing, but his subsequent actions led me to lose hope that maybe I could actually be enough for him for the rest of our lives. Then about two months after I found out he was still 'doing nothing', I met SCW online. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. Two months after we met, we were inseparable for nearly a year and a half. Then she took a job that required her attention, yet allowed her to be logged in while working. I didn't mind that so much, but it took its toll on her. I think that's when she started to turn off her feelings for me because shortly after that she wanted to take a break and just be friends. It hurt a bit to know she wanted a break, but I agreed to it.. knowing there wasn't much I could do about it or for her. Being so far from her was one issue for us. another being that our 'exes' still lived with us. She wanted time to find peace for herself, to feel normal again. *sighs* I should have just left it all behind me at that point, but she didn't help matters by still acting as if she wanted to be with me online. Giving me hope that maybe we could have still had something.
I know it's stupid to think an online relationship could have gone anywhere. But I was so in love with her and in retrospect, I think I needed her more than she needed me but I chose to ignore it for far too long. It fell apart even more when one drunken night landed her with a new girlfriend. Well.. until she decided she really wanted to be with her Ex of quite a few years, stating that the Ex was her soul-mate and that she couldn't live without her. I was supportive of that, basically relaying my own thoughts and experiences to her from when I was trying to deal with Hub after his first time of cheating.
It didn't help. The Ex screwed up big time, causing SCW to be so disgusted with her and finally be done... leaving the door wide open for the new girl to step in. I know I shouldn't act like that towards the girl but I was jealous. Especially since SCW recently told me she's in love with her. Even after SCW said it probably wouldn't last. But once SCW said she was in love, that was it for me. That was enough to get me to finally let go of her. She doesn't deserve my love, especially if she's able to turn her own feelings on and off at the drop of a hat and fall in love randomly, probably going to make a future of it moving from one woman to the next to the next and so on.
I deserve better than that. So, its time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.
The past two years have been both the best and worst for me. My first instinct is to say that it was my fault I let my marriage fall apart, but in truth I'm not the only one that let it fall apart. I thought things were going well, until I looked at his damn phone. I don't know WHY I did it, but what's done is done and can't be undone. He said it was nothing, but his subsequent actions led me to lose hope that maybe I could actually be enough for him for the rest of our lives. Then about two months after I found out he was still 'doing nothing', I met SCW online. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. Two months after we met, we were inseparable for nearly a year and a half. Then she took a job that required her attention, yet allowed her to be logged in while working. I didn't mind that so much, but it took its toll on her. I think that's when she started to turn off her feelings for me because shortly after that she wanted to take a break and just be friends. It hurt a bit to know she wanted a break, but I agreed to it.. knowing there wasn't much I could do about it or for her. Being so far from her was one issue for us. another being that our 'exes' still lived with us. She wanted time to find peace for herself, to feel normal again. *sighs* I should have just left it all behind me at that point, but she didn't help matters by still acting as if she wanted to be with me online. Giving me hope that maybe we could have still had something.
I know it's stupid to think an online relationship could have gone anywhere. But I was so in love with her and in retrospect, I think I needed her more than she needed me but I chose to ignore it for far too long. It fell apart even more when one drunken night landed her with a new girlfriend. Well.. until she decided she really wanted to be with her Ex of quite a few years, stating that the Ex was her soul-mate and that she couldn't live without her. I was supportive of that, basically relaying my own thoughts and experiences to her from when I was trying to deal with Hub after his first time of cheating.
It didn't help. The Ex screwed up big time, causing SCW to be so disgusted with her and finally be done... leaving the door wide open for the new girl to step in. I know I shouldn't act like that towards the girl but I was jealous. Especially since SCW recently told me she's in love with her. Even after SCW said it probably wouldn't last. But once SCW said she was in love, that was it for me. That was enough to get me to finally let go of her. She doesn't deserve my love, especially if she's able to turn her own feelings on and off at the drop of a hat and fall in love randomly, probably going to make a future of it moving from one woman to the next to the next and so on.
I deserve better than that. So, its time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wow.
So Project Me hasn't exactly taken off like I said it would. It's SO much easier to not take that harsh look at myself and find out who I am. SCW said to me the other day "if you don't know who you are, then you're nobody". At the time, I agreed with that, because I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I just float through the day and let the wind take me in whichever direction it happens to go.
I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.
My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.
"I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was" - Unknown
WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?
I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.
"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"
I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.
My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.
WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?
I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.
"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Project Me
I've been depressed for far too long. My marriage is fucked, my online relationship lost its spark (probably forever) and I seem to have lost myself in the entire process. I've cried too many tears in the past few months. Probably more than when Hub cheated on me the first time.
Things between me and SCW haven't gotten any better. She thinks I don't care and that I'm not putting much effort into being just friends, and therefore havent put much effort into the relationship. She says she turned her life upside down for the past two years to be with me. As if I haven't done the same. True, her sleep schedule got totally fucked because she is six hours ahead of me and therefore her days and nights flipped, while mine pretty much stayed the same. But quite a few times, I've called off work because she asked me to. I've stayed up all night because she had to work a long shift, I've spent money on her in the game just because I'm like that. There's other things I wont go into here, but I think I seem to give til there's nothing left. Seems like the wrong ways, both in the game and RL, because if I was doing something right NONE of this would have ever have happened. I'd still be happily in love with my husband, completely oblivious to the fact of anything going on. But this line of thinking is taking me down the wrong path - again.
I've got to find myself and if you can all bear with me, I'll track some of my progress here. I'll admit it.. I'm scared to do this. But I NEED peace of mind and I'm the only one that can get it for me. I found a website that might help. It's things I already know to do, and SCW has already told me the same things a million times. I cant seem to let go of her, even though she's somewhat distancing herself from me, and hanging out with her other online ex. I should probably get the hint. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless.
Things between me and SCW haven't gotten any better. She thinks I don't care and that I'm not putting much effort into being just friends, and therefore havent put much effort into the relationship. She says she turned her life upside down for the past two years to be with me. As if I haven't done the same. True, her sleep schedule got totally fucked because she is six hours ahead of me and therefore her days and nights flipped, while mine pretty much stayed the same. But quite a few times, I've called off work because she asked me to. I've stayed up all night because she had to work a long shift, I've spent money on her in the game just because I'm like that. There's other things I wont go into here, but I think I seem to give til there's nothing left. Seems like the wrong ways, both in the game and RL, because if I was doing something right NONE of this would have ever have happened. I'd still be happily in love with my husband, completely oblivious to the fact of anything going on. But this line of thinking is taking me down the wrong path - again.
I've got to find myself and if you can all bear with me, I'll track some of my progress here. I'll admit it.. I'm scared to do this. But I NEED peace of mind and I'm the only one that can get it for me. I found a website that might help. It's things I already know to do, and SCW has already told me the same things a million times. I cant seem to let go of her, even though she's somewhat distancing herself from me, and hanging out with her other online ex. I should probably get the hint. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Happiness is....
Ah, happiness... that ever elusive little thing that we all have the inalienable right to pursue. But at what cost? At some point in the past few weeks, I posted this on Twitter: "what gives you that euphoric feeling? not just happy, but makes u glow with joy" I also posted something similar to my Facebook page, but only one person answered and I really didn't understand the answer. Still haven't gotten a reply to my comment of the answer. I stopped to think about the last time I'd felt truly happy, and one friend said I had that glow when I was crafting.
I asked because happiness for me had been quite elusive over the past month prior to two weeks ago. Probably longer then that, but it's really hit me hard over that month. I was crying nearly every day, hoping the pain would lessen but it didn't feel like there was going to be an end to the pain. I cried for my failed marriage, I cried for the way my kids treat me because of all the things going on, I cried because of my failed online relationship. It all seemed to hurt just as much as it did when SCW asked if I'd mind "just being friends for a bit" while she gets some peace of mind for herself after practically living at her computer for probably more than two years. Actually closer to four, since we've been talking for a year and a half and she'd already been in that world and other games at least a year before me. Even as I sat here trying to find the words to express myself, the tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop them. That's how it was during the month of August, the tears flowed freely with no end in sight. And no matter how many tears I shed, it didn't seem to help wash the pain away. Oddly enough, I think losing SCW hurts more than losing my husband.
We'd get online and stay there for hours, chatting and doing silly shit. We'd text each other when we couldn't be online at the same time and eventually spoke to each other via Skype. We played all kinds of games, watched movies over the internet together, laughing at corny jokes or silly roleplay scenarios in which we participated. She brought out a side of me that I never knew existed - one that not even Hub could find. She left the broken pieces of my heart on the ground and filled the empty spaces with her love and taught me a new way to love. The past two weeks have seen the weight lifted from my shoulders because I wrote her a long letter, telling her how sad I had been. Even though we were still just friends, I felt so much relief.
Until Hub said he was moving out.
(insert big heavy sigh) While I can't see us fixing the situation, I can't see being here without him either. So that same day I talked to SCW, I talked to Hub, telling him how I'd been feeling about things between us. And as usual, I did most of the talking. He gave a little bit of insight (very little) but it was more than I'd ever gotten before. Still.. it doesn't make up for his indiscretions and makes me feel like a piece of shit. He had a surprised look on his face when I told him I thought things were good for us just before I found out he'd been texting a second bitch. Then when I found out he was still texting her six months later, I'd lost all hope because it didn't just break my heart. It shattered my heart into a million pieces, making me lose all hope. With everything that's happened over the past 22 years that we've been together, I'd always held onto the hope that our love would get us through anything. Apparently not.
Most days my thoughts were a jumbled mess, kind of like when you take out the Christmas lights and you have to spend an hour untangling them. I couldn't seem to latch onto one thought and put it to paper or blog. Since talking to both of them, I've felt better in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months. Except yesterday, which was a really bad down on myself day. Part of the way I was feeling like a piece of shit comes from the fact that I'm older (not tellin' you how old either :D) have two Associate degrees, 10 years experience in the computer field but cant seem to find a job where my skills and experience will work. Either I'm overqualified due to the experience and degrees, or I'm underqualified due to lack of certifications. It's been about two years since I've worked in the computer field and I'm not exactly sure I want to work with them in the capacity I had before. Some of the knowledge is beginning to fuzz. I like where I work now (aside from weekly policy changes that we have to sign), but it's not what I picture for myself for the rest of my life either.
Then I had a really nasty customer that called me a "damn bitch", which normally doesn't bother me. Normally. I'd just had enough of the rude customers and she was the icing on the cake. My mental state plummeted and I think I visibly wilted. I went on break shortly after that, and responded to a text from Hub asking if I was having a good day.
Me: "not really, but will be ok maybe"
Him: "they givin u a hard time?"
Me: "some of the customers, and have a shitty schedule next week. had a bad thought"
Him: "oh I c"
OK, maybe he missed that last bit. Maybe i was too vague. But wouldnt you think to ask "bad thought?" if you saw that? It certainly didn't help my mood, and only now am I able to think rationally about it since at the time I was wondering what it would feel like to slice my arm open. And before you freak out, I'm not going to do that. I can't.. I've got to do the NaNoJouMo with Sara :3
More to come....
I asked because happiness for me had been quite elusive over the past month prior to two weeks ago. Probably longer then that, but it's really hit me hard over that month. I was crying nearly every day, hoping the pain would lessen but it didn't feel like there was going to be an end to the pain. I cried for my failed marriage, I cried for the way my kids treat me because of all the things going on, I cried because of my failed online relationship. It all seemed to hurt just as much as it did when SCW asked if I'd mind "just being friends for a bit" while she gets some peace of mind for herself after practically living at her computer for probably more than two years. Actually closer to four, since we've been talking for a year and a half and she'd already been in that world and other games at least a year before me. Even as I sat here trying to find the words to express myself, the tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop them. That's how it was during the month of August, the tears flowed freely with no end in sight. And no matter how many tears I shed, it didn't seem to help wash the pain away. Oddly enough, I think losing SCW hurts more than losing my husband.
We'd get online and stay there for hours, chatting and doing silly shit. We'd text each other when we couldn't be online at the same time and eventually spoke to each other via Skype. We played all kinds of games, watched movies over the internet together, laughing at corny jokes or silly roleplay scenarios in which we participated. She brought out a side of me that I never knew existed - one that not even Hub could find. She left the broken pieces of my heart on the ground and filled the empty spaces with her love and taught me a new way to love. The past two weeks have seen the weight lifted from my shoulders because I wrote her a long letter, telling her how sad I had been. Even though we were still just friends, I felt so much relief.
Until Hub said he was moving out.
(insert big heavy sigh) While I can't see us fixing the situation, I can't see being here without him either. So that same day I talked to SCW, I talked to Hub, telling him how I'd been feeling about things between us. And as usual, I did most of the talking. He gave a little bit of insight (very little) but it was more than I'd ever gotten before. Still.. it doesn't make up for his indiscretions and makes me feel like a piece of shit. He had a surprised look on his face when I told him I thought things were good for us just before I found out he'd been texting a second bitch. Then when I found out he was still texting her six months later, I'd lost all hope because it didn't just break my heart. It shattered my heart into a million pieces, making me lose all hope. With everything that's happened over the past 22 years that we've been together, I'd always held onto the hope that our love would get us through anything. Apparently not.
Most days my thoughts were a jumbled mess, kind of like when you take out the Christmas lights and you have to spend an hour untangling them. I couldn't seem to latch onto one thought and put it to paper or blog. Since talking to both of them, I've felt better in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months. Except yesterday, which was a really bad down on myself day. Part of the way I was feeling like a piece of shit comes from the fact that I'm older (not tellin' you how old either :D) have two Associate degrees, 10 years experience in the computer field but cant seem to find a job where my skills and experience will work. Either I'm overqualified due to the experience and degrees, or I'm underqualified due to lack of certifications. It's been about two years since I've worked in the computer field and I'm not exactly sure I want to work with them in the capacity I had before. Some of the knowledge is beginning to fuzz. I like where I work now (aside from weekly policy changes that we have to sign), but it's not what I picture for myself for the rest of my life either.
Then I had a really nasty customer that called me a "damn bitch", which normally doesn't bother me. Normally. I'd just had enough of the rude customers and she was the icing on the cake. My mental state plummeted and I think I visibly wilted. I went on break shortly after that, and responded to a text from Hub asking if I was having a good day.
Me: "not really, but will be ok maybe"
Him: "they givin u a hard time?"
Me: "some of the customers, and have a shitty schedule next week. had a bad thought"
Him: "oh I c"
OK, maybe he missed that last bit. Maybe i was too vague. But wouldnt you think to ask "bad thought?" if you saw that? It certainly didn't help my mood, and only now am I able to think rationally about it since at the time I was wondering what it would feel like to slice my arm open. And before you freak out, I'm not going to do that. I can't.. I've got to do the NaNoJouMo with Sara :3
More to come....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
In a Nutshell
Hearing footsteps, Kiki stretches her arms lazily above her head as she lounges on the luxurious brocade couch, a small smile just touching the corners of her mouth. You can hear her take a deep breath, almost purring as she exhales. She sits up, looking at you with half sleepy eyes as if she were waking from a thousand-year sleep.
I know I've been seriously lacking in posts. So much has happened, or in my case... not happened. I feel like my life is so screwed up and I don't even know where it took a wrong turn. My marriage is fucked, and this time by both of us. We never really tried to work it out, we were lazy. Even though I posted that we'd recognized that we'd try to remedy the lack of communication, we never really did. He at least has acknowledged that we really haven't had a decent conversation in at least 8 years... which is a big deal for him because it means he CAN face up to the bad things even if he wont do anything about them.
Things were tense at home. My DNA Sponsor (father... DNA for short) was living with us for waaaay too long and I wasn't strong enough to face my fear of him and kick him out of the house. He was being shady and bullying my kids when we weren't at home. He acted like it was HIS house. And I let it all happen because I have always been scared of him.
Hub never really had much to say about the whole thing except negative things that we already had said a million times about DNA. It got tiring having to hear it all over and over and over and over again. Even the kids started doing it. I cant say I blame them, though. I started to shut down, and yes I turned to the computer. Despite the fact that Hub had been texting someone else, I tried to keep the computer out of my marriage and would only go online when Hub was at work.
After I found out he was still texting her, I let my online time slowly started to creep more into the day, while Hub was home. It started with a half hour, during the time when Hub would be getting ready for work, then an hour, then two.. you get the picture. I was having fun chatting and roleplaying online. I didn't want to deal with DNA's shit anymore and going up to my room to be online and ignore it all was what I did.
During the past year, a few things have happened. Of course, the lack of communication continued, I kept going online, the kids kept complaining about DNA... so basically, business as usual. Then it happened. I never planned for anything like it to happen, but it did. I started spending more and more time online for one particular person. I looked forward to logging in to find her there, waiting for me, so I kept going online to chat with her. Yes, I said her. I'll call her SCW (more coming on that)
In March 2010, I finally got DNA out of the house. It was rather explosive how it happened. My house is barely big enough for me, hub and the kids... and yet DNA stayed with us for about 5 years. He thinks he's some kind of Daniel fucking Boone, where he can just walk into the woods and live off the land. He actually tried it too, but the great state of New York Parks Department wont let people live in a state park. Go figure...
I live in an old carriage house, the first floor is the garage, galley kitchen and tiny bathroom. The second floor is the dining room, living room and kids rooms. Third floor is my room. DNA slept on the floor in the living room. We had all just finished watching a movie, Hub and I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I forgot my cup, so ran back up to the living room to grab it and finally witnessed DNA pushing my son around. And for what? The damned remote for the TV... I walked into the living room and saw DNA puffing out his chest, saying "c'mon yer a big man, hit me" and bumping son towards the couch. Then DNA actually put his hands on my Son, shoving him down. I lost it. All the anger and frustration finally broke the dam, and I raised my voice at DNA "who the fuck do you think you are?! keep your fucking hands off my kid. i dunno what right you think you have, but you need to get the fuck outta my house.. like NOW"
DNA glared at me as he walked past me, I asked Son what happened and I got even angrier at the answer, storming back downstairs with full intentions of beating the crap out of DNA. Hub had no clue what was going on as I barrelled past him, almost elbowing him in the face as I tried to get at DNA. I was boiling with rage, and nearly blacked out from it. I vaguely remember things I said to DNA, things like I'm done with you, you're dead to me.. I definitely remember getting to the door once I pushed past Hub. He grabbed me, and both kids grabbed me to keep me inside. They barely succeeded in keeping me inside. I remember yelling from the kitchen at DNA, as well as somehow actually getting outside. Most of the tension in the house lifted, there was no more walking on eggshells for any of us. At least not because of DNA.
Things settled down, I kept chatting with SCW. Things progressed between us, and my online affair has been going on for about a year. She knows I'm married and how things have gone downhill there. There is a minimal chance that I'll get to meet her in person, she's in another country and I have no way of getting there at the moment. We've spoken to each other via Skype, so yes, she's very real and very female. I don't expect anyone to understand what I have with her, and to be honest I don't care.
I had a feeling Hub was still texting someone else.. I even had a fleeting thought that he might try to contact the skankwhore from his first affair. I never thought he actually would, but he did. I found out about that in October 2010. Almost a year to the day that I found out Hub was still texting the second one. His best friend's wife busted both of them at the skankwhore's house, and called me to let me know. I tried texting Hub and calling, but no answer for almost 4 hours. The one text I did get said "all i can say is i'm truly sorry" Really? That's it?
It didn't get any better between us. It didn't get any worse either. It became stagnant. He never really gave me any insights as to how he felt, except for that night he got busted at skankwhore's house. He actually raised his voice at me, telling me it was because I ignored him. Really?! Oh, so the fact that he'd already had a relationship in the past with skankwhore, and was texting a second someone (possibly even skankwhore for all I know) and didn't stop had absolutely NOTHING to do with the failure of a marriage in which we found ourselves. No, no impact whatsoever. Nor did the hell we went through with DNA make a difference. It was all my fault. He pissed me off when he told me that if I didn't want to be here that I could go where ever the hell it was that DNA went to live.
Yes, I take my part of the blame for this time around. Yes, I did ignore him somewhat. But how would you feel after going through everything I'd gone through to find out that it didn't seem to make a difference anyway? I started to feel like I'd made him my priority while I was his option. I told him he didn't have to stop seeing her. I don't know or care if he did. I offered open marriage (I don't know why.. felt like an option at the time LOL) He kept saying "I'll go by whatever you decide." and "No matter what, I'll always love you" Meaning he didn't want or care to face up to the fact that the marriage was fucked and possibly didn't see a way to remedy the situation. Sure, leave it all up to me. AGAIN. I waited til after Christmas, I didn't want to ruin that for my kids, even if they are teenagers.
I told him I wanted to separate. Not that we actually did.. he's still living in the house, mostly for financial reasons. There are no loving conversations, no physical contact (not even a handshake). We're more like roommates than estranged husband and wife. We each still do our own thing. I don't question where he goes, not that he actually goes many places. The kids act out (of course). It's still a mess...
I know I've been seriously lacking in posts. So much has happened, or in my case... not happened. I feel like my life is so screwed up and I don't even know where it took a wrong turn. My marriage is fucked, and this time by both of us. We never really tried to work it out, we were lazy. Even though I posted that we'd recognized that we'd try to remedy the lack of communication, we never really did. He at least has acknowledged that we really haven't had a decent conversation in at least 8 years... which is a big deal for him because it means he CAN face up to the bad things even if he wont do anything about them.
Things were tense at home. My DNA Sponsor (father... DNA for short) was living with us for waaaay too long and I wasn't strong enough to face my fear of him and kick him out of the house. He was being shady and bullying my kids when we weren't at home. He acted like it was HIS house. And I let it all happen because I have always been scared of him.
Hub never really had much to say about the whole thing except negative things that we already had said a million times about DNA. It got tiring having to hear it all over and over and over and over again. Even the kids started doing it. I cant say I blame them, though. I started to shut down, and yes I turned to the computer. Despite the fact that Hub had been texting someone else, I tried to keep the computer out of my marriage and would only go online when Hub was at work.
After I found out he was still texting her, I let my online time slowly started to creep more into the day, while Hub was home. It started with a half hour, during the time when Hub would be getting ready for work, then an hour, then two.. you get the picture. I was having fun chatting and roleplaying online. I didn't want to deal with DNA's shit anymore and going up to my room to be online and ignore it all was what I did.
During the past year, a few things have happened. Of course, the lack of communication continued, I kept going online, the kids kept complaining about DNA... so basically, business as usual. Then it happened. I never planned for anything like it to happen, but it did. I started spending more and more time online for one particular person. I looked forward to logging in to find her there, waiting for me, so I kept going online to chat with her. Yes, I said her. I'll call her SCW (more coming on that)
In March 2010, I finally got DNA out of the house. It was rather explosive how it happened. My house is barely big enough for me, hub and the kids... and yet DNA stayed with us for about 5 years. He thinks he's some kind of Daniel fucking Boone, where he can just walk into the woods and live off the land. He actually tried it too, but the great state of New York Parks Department wont let people live in a state park. Go figure...
I live in an old carriage house, the first floor is the garage, galley kitchen and tiny bathroom. The second floor is the dining room, living room and kids rooms. Third floor is my room. DNA slept on the floor in the living room. We had all just finished watching a movie, Hub and I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I forgot my cup, so ran back up to the living room to grab it and finally witnessed DNA pushing my son around. And for what? The damned remote for the TV... I walked into the living room and saw DNA puffing out his chest, saying "c'mon yer a big man, hit me" and bumping son towards the couch. Then DNA actually put his hands on my Son, shoving him down. I lost it. All the anger and frustration finally broke the dam, and I raised my voice at DNA "who the fuck do you think you are?! keep your fucking hands off my kid. i dunno what right you think you have, but you need to get the fuck outta my house.. like NOW"
DNA glared at me as he walked past me, I asked Son what happened and I got even angrier at the answer, storming back downstairs with full intentions of beating the crap out of DNA. Hub had no clue what was going on as I barrelled past him, almost elbowing him in the face as I tried to get at DNA. I was boiling with rage, and nearly blacked out from it. I vaguely remember things I said to DNA, things like I'm done with you, you're dead to me.. I definitely remember getting to the door once I pushed past Hub. He grabbed me, and both kids grabbed me to keep me inside. They barely succeeded in keeping me inside. I remember yelling from the kitchen at DNA, as well as somehow actually getting outside. Most of the tension in the house lifted, there was no more walking on eggshells for any of us. At least not because of DNA.
Things settled down, I kept chatting with SCW. Things progressed between us, and my online affair has been going on for about a year. She knows I'm married and how things have gone downhill there. There is a minimal chance that I'll get to meet her in person, she's in another country and I have no way of getting there at the moment. We've spoken to each other via Skype, so yes, she's very real and very female. I don't expect anyone to understand what I have with her, and to be honest I don't care.
I had a feeling Hub was still texting someone else.. I even had a fleeting thought that he might try to contact the skankwhore from his first affair. I never thought he actually would, but he did. I found out about that in October 2010. Almost a year to the day that I found out Hub was still texting the second one. His best friend's wife busted both of them at the skankwhore's house, and called me to let me know. I tried texting Hub and calling, but no answer for almost 4 hours. The one text I did get said "all i can say is i'm truly sorry" Really? That's it?
It didn't get any better between us. It didn't get any worse either. It became stagnant. He never really gave me any insights as to how he felt, except for that night he got busted at skankwhore's house. He actually raised his voice at me, telling me it was because I ignored him. Really?! Oh, so the fact that he'd already had a relationship in the past with skankwhore, and was texting a second someone (possibly even skankwhore for all I know) and didn't stop had absolutely NOTHING to do with the failure of a marriage in which we found ourselves. No, no impact whatsoever. Nor did the hell we went through with DNA make a difference. It was all my fault. He pissed me off when he told me that if I didn't want to be here that I could go where ever the hell it was that DNA went to live.
Yes, I take my part of the blame for this time around. Yes, I did ignore him somewhat. But how would you feel after going through everything I'd gone through to find out that it didn't seem to make a difference anyway? I started to feel like I'd made him my priority while I was his option. I told him he didn't have to stop seeing her. I don't know or care if he did. I offered open marriage (I don't know why.. felt like an option at the time LOL) He kept saying "I'll go by whatever you decide." and "No matter what, I'll always love you" Meaning he didn't want or care to face up to the fact that the marriage was fucked and possibly didn't see a way to remedy the situation. Sure, leave it all up to me. AGAIN. I waited til after Christmas, I didn't want to ruin that for my kids, even if they are teenagers.
I told him I wanted to separate. Not that we actually did.. he's still living in the house, mostly for financial reasons. There are no loving conversations, no physical contact (not even a handshake). We're more like roommates than estranged husband and wife. We each still do our own thing. I don't question where he goes, not that he actually goes many places. The kids act out (of course). It's still a mess...
Saturday, November 13, 2010
FML Moment
I thought today was going to be a good day... woke up at 5:12 am to find hub not home yet, but then remembered he was scheduled til 6. and no, I haven't dealt with that drama that I haven't blogged about yet.
I looked at the wrong time for the bus, so now I'm gonna be late. stopped at McShits and didn't get the required sausage on my sausage egg biscuit, but wait! it has egg and cheese.
my next bus comes a bit early do I start thinking positively. woot! still a chance I'm going to be on time for work... til he gets to the next major intersection and says "I'm 4 minutes early and now we have to wait" *sighs and perks up as she looks at the time* oh! still a chance!
I don't want you all thinking that I'm always going to be negative in the coming months even if realistically there is a great chance of that happening. divorce after 20 years is a huge decision to make and is not to be taken lightly. yes, i said divorce... I promise I'll blog about it later after work.
I looked at the wrong time for the bus, so now I'm gonna be late. stopped at McShits and didn't get the required sausage on my sausage egg biscuit, but wait! it has egg and cheese.
my next bus comes a bit early do I start thinking positively. woot! still a chance I'm going to be on time for work... til he gets to the next major intersection and says "I'm 4 minutes early and now we have to wait" *sighs and perks up as she looks at the time* oh! still a chance!
I don't want you all thinking that I'm always going to be negative in the coming months even if realistically there is a great chance of that happening. divorce after 20 years is a huge decision to make and is not to be taken lightly. yes, i said divorce... I promise I'll blog about it later after work.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5
Saturday, October 30, 2010
what a tangled web...
is this how it's supposed to feel when you're world is upsidedown and full of uncertainty? like a party of you is dying, basically because a part of me is...
I don't know how much more I can cry. 20 years have slipped through my fingers, like water. but this time we both hurt each other... and I don't think it can be fixed, nor am I sure I want to fix it.
more later...
I don't know how much more I can cry. 20 years have slipped through my fingers, like water. but this time we both hurt each other... and I don't think it can be fixed, nor am I sure I want to fix it.
more later...
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Ketchup
Hey everybodeee!
Just thought I'd pop in to let ya'll know that I talked to Hub, and he's been holding onto a lot of things since his father passed away 5 years ago. I know, it's no excuse, but we are going to try to fix it. We both realize that we had stopped communicating and that it's always going to be a problem for us. At least this time we recognized our pattern BEFORE anything else happened.
I told him he had to stop turning to other women, for this is the last straw for me. I told him I'd divorce him, without a doubt if he didnt stop texting her. I even had him send the text in front of me, and show me the text. And he's kept to his word. I've got a bit of work to do on myself, but don't we all?
Take care!
Just thought I'd pop in to let ya'll know that I talked to Hub, and he's been holding onto a lot of things since his father passed away 5 years ago. I know, it's no excuse, but we are going to try to fix it. We both realize that we had stopped communicating and that it's always going to be a problem for us. At least this time we recognized our pattern BEFORE anything else happened.
I told him he had to stop turning to other women, for this is the last straw for me. I told him I'd divorce him, without a doubt if he didnt stop texting her. I even had him send the text in front of me, and show me the text. And he's kept to his word. I've got a bit of work to do on myself, but don't we all?
Take care!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
It's ALIIIIVE!!!
Slowly the door creaks open. A hand reaches in, searching for a light switch. The door opens farther, to reveal the silhouette of a woman. She's trying the switch, without luck. "Damn, the bulb must be burned out.", she whispers to herself. She coughs as she raises dust while clearing out the cobwebs. It's been too long since she's visited. She knows this.
And now she's here to try to bury a skeleton she thought was long disassembled.
For those of you still following this blog, I apologize. I notice my last entry was August 3, the same day I signed up for the virtual world of SecondLife (that topic is for another post). And a week before I got laid off from my last job. My lack of blogging here is a comination of keeping this blog secret, plain old laziness, and SecondLife.
If you're new to my blog, you'll have to read my history..
Let me go backwards in time, very quickly. Back in April, I did something somewhat stupid. I looked at Husband's cell phone for text messages. I don't know what possessed me to do it. But I did, and what's done is done and can't be undone. I found a text to a phone number NOT stored as a contact. It said "hey babe, whats up". I confronted him about it, asking why did he call her babe? "it's just a joke, i was just joking"
I didn't think it was very fucking funny.
I told him I'm not having it. That I WILL divorce him, without blinking an eye if I find out anything is going on. I cant mentally afford to go back down that dark path. I refuse. He apologized, and said he loves me and that nothing is going on. But I wasn't sure that I believed him.
Fast forward to this past Friday night...
I had to go out of town with Mom on Saturday, leaving her house at the asscrack of dawn. Since it would be easier to spend the night at her house, I asked her to give Stupid (husband) a ride to work as well as pick me up. Not a big deal. Until he called and said his phone fell out of his pocket into the back seat.
Don't look at me like that. Of course I looked at it. And found that he is still texting that number. Ever since I first looked at his phone back in April, he's been all cloak and dagger.
I know four things:
I don't have that support system as close as I did back then.. It's still there, but it's harder to get a hold of her. Certain friends of mine would be quick to tell me to leave him. And I'm carefully comtemplating doing that. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm scared that I'm going to go nuts NOT knowing who it is that he's texting. Or WHY. I also hate being undecided, not knowing what to do.
Now if you can tell me that you think nothing is going on, then can you explain the need for the cloak and dagger shit? "Nothing going on" would not require so much secrecy. So, if you have access to cell phone searches that give you a name (without having to pay an arm and a leg) email me. I'll give you the number. I just want to know who it is.
For now...
And now she's here to try to bury a skeleton she thought was long disassembled.
For those of you still following this blog, I apologize. I notice my last entry was August 3, the same day I signed up for the virtual world of SecondLife (that topic is for another post). And a week before I got laid off from my last job. My lack of blogging here is a comination of keeping this blog secret, plain old laziness, and SecondLife.
If you're new to my blog, you'll have to read my history..
Let me go backwards in time, very quickly. Back in April, I did something somewhat stupid. I looked at Husband's cell phone for text messages. I don't know what possessed me to do it. But I did, and what's done is done and can't be undone. I found a text to a phone number NOT stored as a contact. It said "hey babe, whats up". I confronted him about it, asking why did he call her babe? "it's just a joke, i was just joking"
I didn't think it was very fucking funny.
I told him I'm not having it. That I WILL divorce him, without blinking an eye if I find out anything is going on. I cant mentally afford to go back down that dark path. I refuse. He apologized, and said he loves me and that nothing is going on. But I wasn't sure that I believed him.
Fast forward to this past Friday night...
I had to go out of town with Mom on Saturday, leaving her house at the asscrack of dawn. Since it would be easier to spend the night at her house, I asked her to give Stupid (husband) a ride to work as well as pick me up. Not a big deal. Until he called and said his phone fell out of his pocket into the back seat.
Don't look at me like that. Of course I looked at it. And found that he is still texting that number. Ever since I first looked at his phone back in April, he's been all cloak and dagger.
I know four things:
- * He keeps his phone close to him, nearly jumping out of his skin if I even get near his phone.
- * He clears all his incoming and outgoing messages. (I did have a quck chance to check that once)
- * That number is still not stored as a contact.
- * His last outgoing text was to that number.
I don't have that support system as close as I did back then.. It's still there, but it's harder to get a hold of her. Certain friends of mine would be quick to tell me to leave him. And I'm carefully comtemplating doing that. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm scared that I'm going to go nuts NOT knowing who it is that he's texting. Or WHY. I also hate being undecided, not knowing what to do.
Now if you can tell me that you think nothing is going on, then can you explain the need for the cloak and dagger shit? "Nothing going on" would not require so much secrecy. So, if you have access to cell phone searches that give you a name (without having to pay an arm and a leg) email me. I'll give you the number. I just want to know who it is.
For now...
Monday, August 3, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Mute Monday - Medical
I'm having a rough day. Son was on the computer last night, and now it wont completely boot properly. It gets so far, then freezes. I can see I'm going to have to perform some percussive surgery...
Monday, July 6, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to!
Tomorrow is my 19 17th wedding anniversary. Hub has to work, so we're going to celebrate tonight.
I'm not feeling a celebration. I'm upset, pissed, lonely and confused. I hate feeling like this. Hub works at an establishment that offers adult financial entertainment. Sometimes he likes to go out after his shift for a "few" beers.
It's becoming obvious that our definitions of a "few" beers differs greatly. This doesn't happen often, but it does happen often enough that it bothers me. As I was getting ready for work this morning, I noticed he hadn't come home yet. I left around 7:15 AM. Apparently, he didn't get home until 8. I can see a talk is in order. However, I had to consult my wise guru-friend Cupcake. She is a very level-headed Vulcan, that can take the emotion out of any situation.
I hate this shit
I'm not feeling a celebration. I'm upset, pissed, lonely and confused. I hate feeling like this. Hub works at an establishment that offers adult financial entertainment. Sometimes he likes to go out after his shift for a "few" beers.
It's becoming obvious that our definitions of a "few" beers differs greatly. This doesn't happen often, but it does happen often enough that it bothers me. As I was getting ready for work this morning, I noticed he hadn't come home yet. I left around 7:15 AM. Apparently, he didn't get home until 8. I can see a talk is in order. However, I had to consult my wise guru-friend Cupcake. She is a very level-headed Vulcan, that can take the emotion out of any situation.
I hate this shit
Monday, June 22, 2009
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