Wow.

So Project Me hasn't exactly taken off like I said it would. It's SO much easier to not take that harsh look at myself and find out who I am. SCW said to me the other day "if you don't know who you are, then you're nobody". At the time, I agreed with that, because I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I just float through the day and let the wind take me in whichever direction it happens to go.

I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.

My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.

"I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was"- Unknown

WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?

I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.

"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"

Adventures in Nature

I went to my mom's house with my cousin BabyMaker this past Saturday. Mom had no idea I was coming to visit. We arrived at mom's, and found her just waking up from a nap. She was a bit confused to see me standing there in her living room. :)

It turned out to be a nice visit. Cousin took us for ice cream at DQ. I've been lacking inspiration as far as any jewelry making is concerned. I didn't get much done. Cousin made a pillow case for mom. Mom bossed us around, which is par for the course. After Cousin left, mom and I went to the market.

On the way back, she decided we needed to call for her cat named Bear. Bear is a sweet, timid little thing that has recently been allowed outside. Mom lives in the country, and already has one cat (Cheyenne) that knows the ins and outs of being a country cat. We stopped near a field, calling for Bear. I said "There's an orange ca... Oh! That's a fox!" So she says "Quick! Take a picture!" As I struggle with my stupid cell phone, we see a streak of white and tiger stripe dash away from the fox.

It was Cheyenne. She starts screaming, I start yelling for Cheyenne to run (like he knows WTF I'm saying) and I jump out of the car running after the cat and fox. Right into the woods. Bad idea for a city girl. As I'm tromping through the woods looking for her cat or the fox, I knock over small trees, get caught on prickers from God-knows-what plant, and get plant goop on me from what I think (hope) was milkweed. I finally came to a small clearing. As I'm standing there, trying to listen for the animals, I feel a thousand tiny pinpricks in my legs. I look down, and I'm COVERED IN MOSQUITOES!!! I felt like Agent Pleakley from Lilo & Stitch when he discovered that mosquitoes don't "nuzzle" with their noses!


Finally, after 45 minutes to an hour, the stupid cat starts meowing at us. But he won't come out of the brambly trees, and I sure as hell ain't going in after him. I can only imagine what I looked like as I walked out of the woods. Legs all scratched up, hair all wild, sweaty and itchy.

I hate going to the country.

Blah.

"Blah blah blah..."

That's all I hear all day. Sometimes they even laugh. I don't understand why people laugh when they say things to me, like "I'm not good with computers. Hahahaha!" or "I made a mistake, I have to retype that. Hahahahaha!"

What the fuck is so funny?

Thursday already?!

Beltane/Beltaine Greetings to my fellow Pagans! May you have a wonderful day! These sabbats always sneak up on me....




A new semester starts for me today. It's my last semester at this college! YAY!! I only have two and a half classes this time around. It sounds silly to have half a class, but it's only an hour long and it's for internship. I'm hoping that I get an internship at my local police department.

The good thing about only have two classes is that I will have plenty of time to write any research papers that might be thrown at me. I never did finish two of the ones from last semester, and I paid the price. But unlike most of my fellow students, I realize that my grades are MY responsibility/fault - not the instructor's. I pass because of the effort I put into my classes.

I bought the Sims for my PC, so that I could have something to do between classes and stay out of trouble. My internship class is at 4, then the next class is at 7:45. On another day, I work until 4:30, then class is at 7:45. So I have some time to kill. It makes no sense for me to go home before class (I don't drive - I know, hush) so I'm just going to stay at school.


I've been working on a lamp that I've had in mind for a few months now. Yes, Kiki is crafty. Now you know my secret. I like to make things. Being crafty actually calms me down. Give me some yarn, or glue, or glitter, and I'm a happy camper.

Anywho, it uses MRI film on the lampshade. At least I think that's what it is - it's of my mom's spine, and it looks like xray sheets, just multiple slices of her. It's almost done, it just needs the lamp fixture set into the base. I hope to get it done tonight, along with Boss Troll's button thingy for the new meme that I am hoping he likes.

Got Strays?

It's been a while since I actually typed something other than my usual TMI answers or other memes (which I've neglected ). So howzabout an update?

Remember when I got fired? Well, I got a new job in a call center! A lot less stress for me, and I can wear pretty much whatever I want. I can surf all day between calls. YAY!

My father got fired from his temp job because he dropped the F bomb. BOO!!!

My son had a "girlfriend". She lives in Canada. Not too good for the phone bills or the relationship. He went to her house for dinner, then a few weeks after he went to a semi-formal dance at her school. He broke up with her the next day. I told him not to do it like that. A break up should always be done in person. Not over a phone call, or even worse - a text message. Bad juju.

Boy has a friend who will be staying with us. His mother kicked him out, and he can't stay with his father. It's winter and I'm not gonna let anyone be forced to stay out on the streets. That's why my father is still staying at my very small house.

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot - my sewer line collapsed. So now we have to dig up the yard to replace the lines - that's if we can find them. We don't have any schematics showing where they are located on the property.

Dollie is having a girls night on Saturday. I can't wait!!

Shut UP.

I hate it when I am on the laptop, and it is plain to everyone that I am typing and not paying attention to anything but the laptop. It's plain to everyone but the DNA sponsor. OH. MY. GOD. I've read my comments, read Jon's answers, started this post and read War and Peace. The whole time, he is yammering at me, telling me stories that I've already heard a million times.

.........

Okay. Had to finish getting dinner, and I burned my hand because DNA was in the way trying to help. My kitchen is very small because the house that I live in used to be the servant's quarters way back when. It was built for 2, maybe 3 people. Not 5 people, a cat and formerly a greyhound.

The first floor has the galley kitchen and 2 car garage. The second floor has the living room, dining room, and both kids rooms. The third floor is my room, because I have the most crap. :)

But that's not why I wanted to post tonight. I was going to tell you all about having lunch with my friend Rockabilly Red. I love good food, good friends and great conversations. I love her hair, it's so shiny and soft, and I love it when she wears it down (which isnt too often). She had surgery not too long ago, and today was her first trip out of the house by herself. And she spent it with me!

And I can't wait for my sweetie Dollie to get back from her trip. I miss her so much. She is lewd, crude, stewed, screwed and tattooed! So hot. She is the perkiest girl I know, even though she is going through a boatload of shit right now with her baby's father.