Ketchup

It's been too long since I've blogged here. I just didn't have much to write about.

Hub and I started Weight Watchers yesterday. I'm not doing so good. I'M HUNGRY. I'm going to stick with it, though. I'm not one to give up so easily. I had tried to track my food a few months ago, and I forgot to write down my foods for one day, and that threw off the whole thing. Now that I have to track points, I have no reason to not track.

Did I mention that I'm hungry? I know I'm not thirsty. I think if I have any more water, I'm going to float away. So, yeah, it's hunger.

We now have high speed internet service at home. Took him long enough. I've only had dial-up since 1998, and have been trying to convince him that we need high speed about once a month. It wasn't until I finally gave it up that he decided he didn't like dial-up anymore.


I'm still hungry. I think my marriage suffered a slight relapse. You might be thinking: WTF is she talkin' about? I'm talking about the fact that many moons ago, it seems like forever ago, Hub decided that he wasn't getting enough emotional support from me and had an affair. In my eyes, an affair is different from cheating, although they both have the same aspects/actions/results.

Before I get too sidetracked, let me recap for you:

• I was depressed. I hid in the Internet, practically ignored my family.
• Hub went out all the time, every weekend. Left me with the kids and his sister (who was staying with us)
• I snapped out of it when I found a receipt for roses I never received
• The "witch-hunt" began.
• I did things I'm not proud of, but would not change and might possibly repeat.
• We went to counseling, I didn't kill anyone.
• and they lived happily ever after...

Until now. Sunday night, I'm playing Sims on Playstation. He's on the internet. We're having a few beers, having a nice mellow evening. He asked me to troubleshoot something on the computer. He went downstairs. He left his phone on the desk.

I honestly don't know what possessed me, but I picked it up and looked through his texts. I'll be damned if I didn't find a message to a phone number that's not in his address book.

hey babe wats up

WTF?! Oh, HELL NO. Not again. The blood is pounding through my body so hard, I think my jugular might explode. I can feel it bulging out of my neck. I sit and wait for him to return, with the text ready to be shown.

Are you sure there's no one else (referring to another convo we'd had a month ago)
Yes, I'm sure. There's no one else.
THEN WHOTHEFUCK ARE YOU CALLING BABE? Do you think I want to go through that shit again?
It's just a joke. There's no one else.
A joke? You think I find it Fucking Funny that you're calling some other bitch babe? It's NOT. I'd better not find out there is someone else, I WILL divorce you, without blinking an eye.
There's no one else! I'm sorry.

Then I said lots of other stuff, and he apologized again. And again. Since then, he's kept his phone close to him, turning it off when he sleeps. His portion of the phone bill is missing. FUCK. I really don't want to go through all that shit again.

And I'm still hungry.


In other, happier news:

My friend Dollie is getting married this Saturday. I'm a bridesmaid. We'll be wearing a dress similar to Marilyn Monroe's dress worn in The Seven Year Itch. Obviously, I'm not rockin' the dress as well as Marilyn. The only good part is that it's black, so that will hide a few spots.

Choices

Life and career. Most people have such things worked out. I thought I did. Lately, I've been feeling a bit... lost. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't feel like I know what I'm good at doing.

I'm not so sure that I want to work with/around computers anymore. I know it's going to be near impossible to avoid any type of computing equipment. I know for a fact that I don't want to continue at my current place of employment. I just can't take day-in and day-out, never-ending calls from the type of customers to which I speak.

I have two Associate degrees. Two! I'm not really doing anything with either of them. I was talking to Rockabilly Red about school and stupid College, and came to the conclusion that I stayed there so long because I thought I'd look like an idiot anywhere else. They don't really teach you everything you might need to know. I stayed there because I "knew" what I was doing. I was afraid that if I left, I'd be proven to be stupid and not really know any "real" computer stuff.

My original thought with the Criminal Justice degree was to combine my "skills" with CJ to go into the field of Computer Forensics. I struggled with the computer forensics class. There was too much to know and remember. So I may have sabotaged myself on that end. I still have my books, and will be re-reading them.

Oh, hell. Let me be honest. I've hardly ever read any of my text books while attending classes. Most of the knowledge in my head came from what was taught in class, then regurgitated during quizzes and exams. I never studied for anything. Either I am a freakin' genius, or College is not doing what it should to ensure quality education.

I was talking to M, and he reminded me of something. He was almost 40 before he discovered what he was good at doing. If I use 40 as a guideline, then I don't have much time left! I know, you're probably thinking "But you have two degrees. Why aren't you doing anything in your field?" That's a good, valid question. To which I do not have an answer.

All I know is that I have to answer a few things: What I'm good at doing, and what makes me happy. I know what makes me happy. Crafting. Making things. Part of my problem is that I haven't met a craft I didn't like. More thought will be given to upcoming adventures!

I believe that a happy worker is a productive worker. My 9 years spent in College hell absolutely spits in the face of that thought...

Is it possible that I'm having a mid-life crisis? Ack! Sometimes I think that I am having one. I got my nose pierced a few years ago. I want a tatoo. I'm in my late 30's with two teenagers. I don't want to be like my 40-something year old SIL that runs around wearing clothing that only a 19 year old should wear. All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are, something is going to break. I just don't want it to be me that breaks...

Mute Monday - Addiction

Mute Monday - Creature

Mute Monday - BIG