Who's that Kiki?

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part Two

2012-01-15T22:16:00.004-05:00

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part Two

Cheers to all of us thieves!

21. Did you go to your high school prom?
Yes. Although a few of my friends pressured me into it, otherwise I would not have gone.

22. Perfect time to wake up?
When I wake up.. I used to get up between 5:30 and 6:30 am to get online for SCW. I've been sleeping til 9:30 lately.

23. Perfect time to go to bed?
I normally go to sleep between midnight and 2 am. The time difference between me and SCW caused that.. I'd stay up late to say good morning and see her off to work, then sleep while she was working and wake up just before it was time for her to go home.

24. Do you use your queen right away in chess?
I'm not sure which is the queen... I don't play chess.

25. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes. But I wasn't IN the car.. I was run over by it.

26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither?
I've always been closer to my mom.

27. What age is this exciting life over for you?
Obviously I'm not psychic...

28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I don't think being a teen during ANY decade was easy. I'd choose to skip being a teen if I could.

29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
I'd have to say the peep toe shoes I got for Dollie's wedding.

30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
No, but I did have my high school jacket for a long time after I graduated.. I wonder whatever happened to it.

31. Were you in track and field?
Nope. I didn't participate in too many extra curricular school sanctioned activities.

32. Were you ever in a school talent show?
Weren't you listening? I just said I didn't do extra curriculars.

33. Have you ever written in a library book?
Yes.. but I don't remember why

34. Allergic to?
Stupidity, animals, watermelon and cantaloupe.

35. Favorite fruit?
I love most fruit, but if I have to pick only one, I'm going with strawberries.

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One

2012-01-15T21:40:00.009-05:00

Thought I'd throw in a little fun thing today.. it can't all be bad here, right?

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Song that always makes you sad?
Right now.. ALL of Adele's songs. She's got a wonderful voice, but I'm still tending to a broken heart. Also Conversations by Mutt (ft. Kevin King) , Between Two Lungs by Florence and the Machine (another awesome voice), Inner Smile and When We are Together by Texas make me sad, they hold special meaning for me.

2. Last thing you bought?
A bottle of water for my friend, and a candy bar for myself

3. Last person you argued with?
SCW, sort of... we never really 'argued' but it was always mostly her being pissed off at me for some dumb shit.

4. Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?
Just a tiny bit of butter. It makes the peanut butter somehow more creamier

5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
Ben E. Bear

6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?
Nope. I'm not even sure I've ever listened to them

7. Favorite day of the week?
Any day I don't have to take three buses to get to work

8. Favorite sundae topping?
Strawberries

9. Did you take piano lessons?
Nope, not one musically inclined bone in my body.

10. Most frequent song played?
I have to pick just one? Too hard to pick ONE that I play too much.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
Jersey Shore LOL I watch it with Baby Girl

12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Hockey!

13. Date someone older or younger?
I'd like to date someone younger.. but not TOO much younger

14. One place you could travel right now?
I recently wanted to go to the Czech Republic, but no longer. Can I travel back in time instead? Say about 12 years or so?

15. Do you use umbrellas?
Sometimes, but I usually end up forgetting I had one and leave it behind.

16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
No

17. Favorite cheese?
Gouda

18. The Smith’s or The Cure?
Metallica. Or Florence and the Machine. Or Slipknot.

19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
Brunettes. I've had so much trouble with blondes.. usually they were butting in where they weren't wanted and interrupting any type of relationship I've ever had.

20. Best job you ever had?
Even though it was stressful and thankless, the IT job at the college was the best. It was close to home, I had so much freedom with my schedule and (for the most part) how I got things done. Too many drawbacks outweighed the good things.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

2012-01-15T15:28:00.003-05:00

Ok.. before you all get yer panties in a bunch, I'm NOT advocating drunk driving. If you're going to drink, here are some suggestions for things you can do other than drive:

KEEP YOUR ASS HOME. Not only does this keep you from driving, but it's so much closer to stumble to your bed or couch when you finally do pass out.
Get a Designated Driver. Either a friend willing to watch you make a fool of yourself or arrange for a taxi to take you home.
Sleepover! If you cant stay home and drink, or don't have anyone to drive you around, do the next best thing and spend the night at someone else's house. Take some extra with you to share with them :D

/end Public Service Announcement

I have no problem with people that want to drink. I enjoy it myself. Although I will admit, lately it's more to dull the heartache I feel. Calm yer bits.. I know that's not the way to deal with things. I'm well aware of the dangers of falling into the bottle. Most of my family are alcoholics. My own mother has been through AA herself, only to find herself cracking open a cold one during the time shortly after her mother passed away. I let her know I was disappointed by that, but she's an adult. She's going to do what she's going to do no matter what anyone says or does. She's been good about it.. she's not drinking herself into oblivion or driving drunk.

Two weeks ago, I bought a 375ml bottle of Black Velvet for myself. Two weeks ago.. I've had some the past few days. Keep in mind, its not a huge bottle. So basically, only 8 or 9 shots.. depending on the size of your glass :D I've been using a 20 ounce coke bottle to mix my drinks.. meaning I'll get about 5 drinks of that size. Spread out over 4 days.. that's really not a lot. You could have knocked me over with a feather when Hub said "That's all you got left?!" after looking at my bottle that still has 2-3 shots worth of liquid left.

(Insert sudden sound of squealing brakes here)

Really?! This coming from a man that has no problem knocking back a 12 pack on any given day, sometimes multiple consecutive days? Excuse the fuck outta me?! Is he fucking serious?! I'm a grown person, capable of making my own choices. Yea, sometimes they are bad ones but still mine to make. Fucking hypocrite. I'm NOT drowning my sorrows, nor am I blaming anyone else for my drinking. I am fully aware that I am drinking, how much I am drinking and WHY. Unlike SOME people. Yes, its to help numb me for a little bit, but I've ALWAYS been a responsible drinker. Very few times in my life have found me so drunk I was barely aware of my surroundings. I don't like that.

This really aggravates me.

Time to turn the page...

2012-01-08T18:46:00.002-05:00

Well, my online relationship with SCW finally fizzled out for good. So much has happened, and for a while I felt like I'd been left in a tailspin that I couldn't escape... I was feeling sorry for myself, but deep down I think I knew it wasn't going to work out the way I'd hoped it would. Knowing I was living a dream didn't make it hurt any less. My head and my heart were on completely different pages, leaving me on a roller coaster with very short upsides, and very deep and frequent downs. I truly did develop feelings for her.. and now she's gone from my life in the aspect of a 'relationship'. She wants to stay friends, and I'm willing to do that because I'd rather smile that we're friends than cry because that's all we'll ever be.

The past two years have been both the best and worst for me. My first instinct is to say that it was my fault I let my marriage fall apart, but in truth I'm not the only one that let it fall apart. I thought things were going well, until I looked at his damn phone. I don't know WHY I did it, but what's done is done and can't be undone. He said it was nothing, but his subsequent actions led me to lose hope that maybe I could actually be enough for him for the rest of our lives. Then about two months after I found out he was still 'doing nothing', I met SCW online. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. Two months after we met, we were inseparable for nearly a year and a half. Then she took a job that required her attention, yet allowed her to be logged in while working. I didn't mind that so much, but it took its toll on her. I think that's when she started to turn off her feelings for me because shortly after that she wanted to take a break and just be friends. It hurt a bit to know she wanted a break, but I agreed to it.. knowing there wasn't much I could do about it or for her. Being so far from her was one issue for us. another being that our 'exes' still lived with us. She wanted time to find peace for herself, to feel normal again. *sighs* I should have just left it all behind me at that point, but she didn't help matters by still acting as if she wanted to be with me online. Giving me hope that maybe we could have still had something.

I know it's stupid to think an online relationship could have gone anywhere. But I was so in love with her and in retrospect, I think I needed her more than she needed me but I chose to ignore it for far too long. It fell apart even more when one drunken night landed her with a new girlfriend. Well.. until she decided she really wanted to be with her Ex of quite a few years, stating that the Ex was her soul-mate and that she couldn't live without her. I was supportive of that, basically relaying my own thoughts and experiences to her from when I was trying to deal with Hub after his first time of cheating.

It didn't help. The Ex screwed up big time, causing SCW to be so disgusted with her and finally be done... leaving the door wide open for the new girl to step in. I know I shouldn't act like that towards the girl but I was jealous. Especially since SCW recently told me she's in love with her. Even after SCW said it probably wouldn't last. But once SCW said she was in love, that was it for me. That was enough to get me to finally let go of her. She doesn't deserve my love, especially if she's able to turn her own feelings on and off at the drop of a hat and fall in love randomly, probably going to make a future of it moving from one woman to the next to the next and so on.

I deserve better than that. So, its time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.

Wow.

2011-09-29T21:10:00.004-04:00

So Project Me hasn't exactly taken off like I said it would. It's SO much easier to not take that harsh look at myself and find out who I am. SCW said to me the other day "if you don't know who you are, then you're nobody". At the time, I agreed with that, because I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I just float through the day and let the wind take me in whichever direction it happens to go.

I'm to the point of not knowing who's that Kiki that I had to read a wikihow on how to "be yourself". Yes, I'm THAT lame that I had to read something and reconfirm what SCW told me already, and what I already knew deep down inside myself but refused to listen.

My thoughts are still as jumbled and tangled as Christmas lights, but at least I'm not keeping it all in and making myself any sicker than I have been. I've read some awesome quotes, and one that I just read actually made me cry because it's the thing that I've been trying to figure out for awhile now.

"I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was"- Unknown

WOW. Something so simple, yet so true. I'd been struggling with the feelings of missing something about Hub, or the way the marriage had been when I thought it was still somewhat good. After calming myself down, I felt... relieved. Like some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders. I feel like "YES! I CAN do this!" I know I have to stop looking to the past, otherwise I'm going to miss my future, even as scary as that thought is to me. How can I walk forward when my head it still turned, looking back over my shoulder?

I'll post another quote that I like. Not all of it is true for me at the moment (mostly the line about being good at being ME..) SCW seems to think that I go through life "posing for a camera that's not there" because I don't know who I am. I'm still 50/50 on that.

"I might not be someone's choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being ME.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!"

Project Me

2011-09-25T13:03:00.003-04:00

I've been depressed for far too long. My marriage is fucked, my online relationship lost its spark (probably forever) and I seem to have lost myself in the entire process. I've cried too many tears in the past few months. Probably more than when Hub cheated on me the first time.

Things between me and SCW haven't gotten any better. She thinks I don't care and that I'm not putting much effort into being just friends, and therefore havent put much effort into the relationship. She says she turned her life upside down for the past two years to be with me. As if I haven't done the same. True, her sleep schedule got totally fucked because she is six hours ahead of me and therefore her days and nights flipped, while mine pretty much stayed the same. But quite a few times, I've called off work because she asked me to. I've stayed up all night because she had to work a long shift, I've spent money on her in the game just because I'm like that. There's other things I wont go into here, but I think I seem to give til there's nothing left. Seems like the wrong ways, both in the game and RL, because if I was doing something right NONE of this would have ever have happened. I'd still be happily in love with my husband, completely oblivious to the fact of anything going on. But this line of thinking is taking me down the wrong path - again.

I've got to find myself and if you can all bear with me, I'll track some of my progress here. I'll admit it.. I'm scared to do this. But I NEED peace of mind and I'm the only one that can get it for me. I found a website that might help. It's things I already know to do, and SCW has already told me the same things a million times. I cant seem to let go of her, even though she's somewhat distancing herself from me, and hanging out with her other online ex. I should probably get the hint. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying and tired of feeling worthless.

Happiness is....

2011-08-22T01:09:00.008-04:00

Ah, happiness... that ever elusive little thing that we all have the inalienable right to pursue. But at what cost? At some point in the past few weeks, I posted this on Twitter: "what gives you that euphoric feeling? not just happy, but makes u glow with joy" I also posted something similar to my Facebook page, but only one person answered and I really didn't understand the answer. Still haven't gotten a reply to my comment of the answer. I stopped to think about the last time I'd felt truly happy, and one friend said I had that glow when I was crafting.

I asked because happiness for me had been quite elusive over the past month prior to two weeks ago. Probably longer then that, but it's really hit me hard over that month. I was crying nearly every day, hoping the pain would lessen but it didn't feel like there was going to be an end to the pain. I cried for my failed marriage, I cried for the way my kids treat me because of all the things going on, I cried because of my failed online relationship. It all seemed to hurt just as much as it did when SCW asked if I'd mind "just being friends for a bit" while she gets some peace of mind for herself after practically living at her computer for probably more than two years. Actually closer to four, since we've been talking for a year and a half and she'd already been in that world and other games at least a year before me. Even as I sat here trying to find the words to express myself, the tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop them. That's how it was during the month of August, the tears flowed freely with no end in sight. And no matter how many tears I shed, it didn't seem to help wash the pain away. Oddly enough, I think losing SCW hurts more than losing my husband.

We'd get online and stay there for hours, chatting and doing silly shit. We'd text each other when we couldn't be online at the same time and eventually spoke to each other via Skype. We played all kinds of games, watched movies over the internet together, laughing at corny jokes or silly roleplay scenarios in which we participated. She brought out a side of me that I never knew existed - one that not even Hub could find. She left the broken pieces of my heart on the ground and filled the empty spaces with her love and taught me a new way to love. The past two weeks have seen the weight lifted from my shoulders because I wrote her a long letter, telling her how sad I had been. Even though we were still just friends, I felt so much relief.

Until Hub said he was moving out.

(insert big heavy sigh) While I can't see us fixing the situation, I can't see being here without him either. So that same day I talked to SCW, I talked to Hub, telling him how I'd been feeling about things between us. And as usual, I did most of the talking. He gave a little bit of insight (very little) but it was more than I'd ever gotten before. Still.. it doesn't make up for his indiscretions and makes me feel like a piece of shit. He had a surprised look on his face when I told him I thought things were good for us just before I found out he'd been texting a second bitch. Then when I found out he was still texting her six months later, I'd lost all hope because it didn't just break my heart. It shattered my heart into a million pieces, making me lose all hope. With everything that's happened over the past 22 years that we've been together, I'd always held onto the hope that our love would get us through anything. Apparently not.

Most days my thoughts were a jumbled mess, kind of like when you take out the Christmas lights and you have to spend an hour untangling them. I couldn't seem to latch onto one thought and put it to paper or blog. Since talking to both of them, I've felt better in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months. Except yesterday, which was a really bad down on myself day. Part of the way I was feeling like a piece of shit comes from the fact that I'm older (not tellin' you how old either :D) have two Associate degrees, 10 years experience in the computer field but cant seem to find a job where my skills and experience will work. Either I'm overqualified due to the experience and degrees, or I'm underqualified due to lack of certifications. It's been about two years since I've worked in the computer field and I'm not exactly sure I want to work with them in the capacity I had before. Some of the knowledge is beginning to fuzz. I like where I work now (aside from weekly policy changes that we have to sign), but it's not what I picture for myself for the rest of my life either.

Then I had a really nasty customer that called me a "damn bitch", which normally doesn't bother me. Normally. I'd just had enough of the rude customers and she was the icing on the cake. My mental state plummeted and I think I visibly wilted. I went on break shortly after that, and responded to a text from Hub asking if I was having a good day.

Me: "not really, but will be ok maybe"
Him: "they givin u a hard time?"
Me: "some of the customers, and have a shitty schedule next week. had a bad thought"
Him: "oh I c"

OK, maybe he missed that last bit. Maybe i was too vague. But wouldnt you think to ask "bad thought?" if you saw that? It certainly didn't help my mood, and only now am I able to think rationally about it since at the time I was wondering what it would feel like to slice my arm open. And before you freak out, I'm not going to do that. I can't.. I've got to do the NaNoJouMo with Sara :3

More to come....

In a Nutshell

2011-03-19T08:48:00.011-04:00

Hearing footsteps, Kiki stretches her arms lazily above her head as she lounges on the luxurious brocade couch, a small smile just touching the corners of her mouth. You can hear her take a deep breath, almost purring as she exhales. She sits up, looking at you with half sleepy eyes as if she were waking from a thousand-year sleep.

I know I've been seriously lacking in posts. So much has happened, or in my case... not happened. I feel like my life is so screwed up and I don't even know where it took a wrong turn. My marriage is fucked, and this time by both of us. We never really tried to work it out, we were lazy. Even though I posted that we'd recognized that we'd try to remedy the lack of communication, we never really did. He at least has acknowledged that we really haven't had a decent conversation in at least 8 years... which is a big deal for him because it means he CAN face up to the bad things even if he wont do anything about them.

Things were tense at home. My DNA Sponsor (father... DNA for short) was living with us for waaaay too long and I wasn't strong enough to face my fear of him and kick him out of the house. He was being shady and bullying my kids when we weren't at home. He acted like it was HIS house. And I let it all happen because I have always been scared of him.

Hub never really had much to say about the whole thing except negative things that we already had said a million times about DNA. It got tiring having to hear it all over and over and over and over again. Even the kids started doing it. I cant say I blame them, though. I started to shut down, and yes I turned to the computer. Despite the fact that Hub had been texting someone else, I tried to keep the computer out of my marriage and would only go online when Hub was at work.

After I found out he was still texting her, I let my online time slowly started to creep more into the day, while Hub was home. It started with a half hour, during the time when Hub would be getting ready for work, then an hour, then two.. you get the picture. I was having fun chatting and roleplaying online. I didn't want to deal with DNA's shit anymore and going up to my room to be online and ignore it all was what I did.

During the past year, a few things have happened. Of course, the lack of communication continued, I kept going online, the kids kept complaining about DNA... so basically, business as usual. Then it happened. I never planned for anything like it to happen, but it did. I started spending more and more time online for one particular person. I looked forward to logging in to find her there, waiting for me, so I kept going online to chat with her. Yes, I said her. I'll call her SCW (more coming on that)

In March 2010, I finally got DNA out of the house. It was rather explosive how it happened. My house is barely big enough for me, hub and the kids... and yet DNA stayed with us for about 5 years. He thinks he's some kind of Daniel fucking Boone, where he can just walk into the woods and live off the land. He actually tried it too, but the great state of New York Parks Department wont let people live in a state park. Go figure...

I live in an old carriage house, the first floor is the garage, galley kitchen and tiny bathroom. The second floor is the dining room, living room and kids rooms. Third floor is my room. DNA slept on the floor in the living room. We had all just finished watching a movie, Hub and I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I forgot my cup, so ran back up to the living room to grab it and finally witnessed DNA pushing my son around. And for what? The damned remote for the TV... I walked into the living room and saw DNA puffing out his chest, saying "c'mon yer a big man, hit me" and bumping son towards the couch. Then DNA actually put his hands on my Son, shoving him down. I lost it. All the anger and frustration finally broke the dam, and I raised my voice at DNA "who the fuck do you think you are?! keep your fucking hands off my kid. i dunno what right you think you have, but you need to get the fuck outta my house.. like NOW"

DNA glared at me as he walked past me, I asked Son what happened and I got even angrier at the answer, storming back downstairs with full intentions of beating the crap out of DNA. Hub had no clue what was going on as I barrelled past him, almost elbowing him in the face as I tried to get at DNA. I was boiling with rage, and nearly blacked out from it. I vaguely remember things I said to DNA, things like I'm done with you, you're dead to me.. I definitely remember getting to the door once I pushed past Hub. He grabbed me, and both kids grabbed me to keep me inside. They barely succeeded in keeping me inside. I remember yelling from the kitchen at DNA, as well as somehow actually getting outside. Most of the tension in the house lifted, there was no more walking on eggshells for any of us. At least not because of DNA.

Things settled down, I kept chatting with SCW. Things progressed between us, and my online affair has been going on for about a year. She knows I'm married and how things have gone downhill there. There is a minimal chance that I'll get to meet her in person, she's in another country and I have no way of getting there at the moment. We've spoken to each other via Skype, so yes, she's very real and very female. I don't expect anyone to understand what I have with her, and to be honest I don't care.

I had a feeling Hub was still texting someone else.. I even had a fleeting thought that he might try to contact the skankwhore from his first affair. I never thought he actually would, but he did. I found out about that in October 2010. Almost a year to the day that I found out Hub was still texting the second one. His best friend's wife busted both of them at the skankwhore's house, and called me to let me know. I tried texting Hub and calling, but no answer for almost 4 hours. The one text I did get said "all i can say is i'm truly sorry" Really? That's it?

It didn't get any better between us. It didn't get any worse either. It became stagnant. He never really gave me any insights as to how he felt, except for that night he got busted at skankwhore's house. He actually raised his voice at me, telling me it was because I ignored him. Really?! Oh, so the fact that he'd already had a relationship in the past with skankwhore, and was texting a second someone (possibly even skankwhore for all I know) and didn't stop had absolutely NOTHING to do with the failure of a marriage in which we found ourselves. No, no impact whatsoever. Nor did the hell we went through with DNA make a difference. It was all my fault. He pissed me off when he told me that if I didn't want to be here that I could go where ever the hell it was that DNA went to live.

Yes, I take my part of the blame for this time around. Yes, I did ignore him somewhat. But how would you feel after going through everything I'd gone through to find out that it didn't seem to make a difference anyway? I started to feel like I'd made him my priority while I was his option. I told him he didn't have to stop seeing her. I don't know or care if he did. I offered open marriage (I don't know why.. felt like an option at the time LOL) He kept saying "I'll go by whatever you decide." and "No matter what, I'll always love you" Meaning he didn't want or care to face up to the fact that the marriage was fucked and possibly didn't see a way to remedy the situation. Sure, leave it all up to me. AGAIN. I waited til after Christmas, I didn't want to ruin that for my kids, even if they are teenagers.

I told him I wanted to separate. Not that we actually did.. he's still living in the house, mostly for financial reasons. There are no loving conversations, no physical contact (not even a handshake). We're more like roommates than estranged husband and wife. We each still do our own thing. I don't question where he goes, not that he actually goes many places. The kids act out (of course). It's still a mess...

FML Moment

2010-11-13T10:37:00.001-05:00

I thought today was going to be a good day... woke up at 5:12 am to find hub not home yet, but then remembered he was scheduled til 6. and no, I haven't dealt with that drama that I haven't blogged about yet.

I looked at the wrong time for the bus, so now I'm gonna be late. stopped at McShits and didn't get the required sausage on my sausage egg biscuit, but wait! it has egg and cheese.

my next bus comes a bit early do I start thinking positively. woot! still a chance I'm going to be on time for work... til he gets to the next major intersection and says "I'm 4 minutes early and now we have to wait" *sighs and perks up as she looks at the time* oh! still a chance!

I don't want you all thinking that I'm always going to be negative in the coming months even if realistically there is a great chance of that happening. divorce after 20 years is a huge decision to make and is not to be taken lightly. yes, i said divorce... I promise I'll blog about it later after work.

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what a tangled web...

2010-10-30T10:31:00.001-04:00

is this how it's supposed to feel when you're world is upsidedown and full of uncertainty? like a party of you is dying, basically because a part of me is...

I don't know how much more I can cry. 20 years have slipped through my fingers, like water. but this time we both hurt each other... and I don't think it can be fixed, nor am I sure I want to fix it.

more later...

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Ketchup

2009-11-19T16:51:00.002-05:00

Hey everybodeee!

Just thought I'd pop in to let ya'll know that I talked to Hub, and he's been holding onto a lot of things since his father passed away 5 years ago. I know, it's no excuse, but we are going to try to fix it. We both realize that we had stopped communicating and that it's always going to be a problem for us. At least this time we recognized our pattern BEFORE anything else happened.

I told him he had to stop turning to other women, for this is the last straw for me. I told him I'd divorce him, without a doubt if he didnt stop texting her. I even had him send the text in front of me, and show me the text. And he's kept to his word. I've got a bit of work to do on myself, but don't we all?

Take care!

It's ALIIIIVE!!!

2009-10-25T18:25:00.009-04:00

Slowly the door creaks open. A hand reaches in, searching for a light switch. The door opens farther, to reveal the silhouette of a woman. She's trying the switch, without luck. "Damn, the bulb must be burned out.", she whispers to herself. She coughs as she raises dust while clearing out the cobwebs. It's been too long since she's visited. She knows this.

And now she's here to try to bury a skeleton she thought was long disassembled.

For those of you still following this blog, I apologize. I notice my last entry was August 3, the same day I signed up for the virtual world of SecondLife (that topic is for another post). And a week before I got laid off from my last job. My lack of blogging here is a comination of keeping this blog secret, plain old laziness, and SecondLife.

If you're new to my blog, you'll have to read my history..

Let me go backwards in time, very quickly. Back in April, I did something somewhat stupid. I looked at Husband's cell phone for text messages. I don't know what possessed me to do it. But I did, and what's done is done and can't be undone. I found a text to a phone number NOT stored as a contact. It said "hey babe, whats up". I confronted him about it, asking why did he call her babe? "it's just a joke, i was just joking"

I didn't think it was very fucking funny.

I told him I'm not having it. That I WILL divorce him, without blinking an eye if I find out anything is going on. I cant mentally afford to go back down that dark path. I refuse. He apologized, and said he loves me and that nothing is going on. But I wasn't sure that I believed him.

Fast forward to this past Friday night...

I had to go out of town with Mom on Saturday, leaving her house at the asscrack of dawn. Since it would be easier to spend the night at her house, I asked her to give Stupid (husband) a ride to work as well as pick me up. Not a big deal. Until he called and said his phone fell out of his pocket into the back seat.

Don't look at me like that. Of course I looked at it. And found that he is still texting that number. Ever since I first looked at his phone back in April, he's been all cloak and dagger.

I know four things:

* He keeps his phone close to him, nearly jumping out of his skin if I even get near his phone.
* He clears all his incoming and outgoing messages. (I did have a quck chance to check that once)
* That number is still not stored as a contact.
* His last outgoing text was to that number.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know what I look like. I've checked, I don't have the words STUPID or BRAINDEAD or FLOORMAT written on my forehead. Do you see anything? I'm so very tempted to text that number. I have a great and wise friend, Cupcake. She helped me through the first Dark Time,and kept me from doing some really dumb shit. I've asked for her advice now, too.

I don't have that support system as close as I did back then.. It's still there, but it's harder to get a hold of her. Certain friends of mine would be quick to tell me to leave him. And I'm carefully comtemplating doing that. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm scared that I'm going to go nuts NOT knowing who it is that he's texting. Or WHY. I also hate being undecided, not knowing what to do.

Now if you can tell me that you think nothing is going on, then can you explain the need for the cloak and dagger shit? "Nothing going on" would not require so much secrecy. So, if you have access to cell phone searches that give you a name (without having to pay an arm and a leg) email me. I'll give you the number. I just want to know who it is.

For now...

Mute Monday - Eastern

2009-08-03T12:25:00.003-04:00

Kawaii Not - the comic for cute gone bad

Mute Monday - Medical

2009-07-27T11:01:00.007-04:00

I'm having a rough day. Son was on the computer last night, and now it wont completely boot properly. It gets so far, then freezes. I can see I'm going to have to perform some percussive surgery...

Mute Monday - Independence

2009-07-06T14:13:00.003-04:00

Mute Monday - A Year in Pictures

2009-06-29T13:34:00.009-04:00

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to!

2009-06-26T13:58:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my 19 17th wedding anniversary. Hub has to work, so we're going to celebrate tonight.

I'm not feeling a celebration. I'm upset, pissed, lonely and confused. I hate feeling like this. Hub works at an establishment that offers adult financial entertainment. Sometimes he likes to go out after his shift for a "few" beers.

It's becoming obvious that our definitions of a "few" beers differs greatly. This doesn't happen often, but it does happen often enough that it bothers me. As I was getting ready for work this morning, I noticed he hadn't come home yet. I left around 7:15 AM. Apparently, he didn't get home until 8. I can see a talk is in order. However, I had to consult my wise guru-friend Cupcake. She is a very level-headed Vulcan, that can take the emotion out of any situation.

I hate this shit

Mute Monday - Vision (as in architectural)

2009-06-22T11:03:00.009-04:00

Mobile Blogging - Workout

2009-06-18T18:10:00.003-04:00

Had a good walk on the treadmill. Not sure if I'm going tomorrow. Definitely on Saturday - treadmill and weight machines.

Mobile Blogging - Up to here!

2009-06-18T14:44:00.009-04:00

I've decided that I've had enough. I want a tattoo, and said I would got it when I lost 5% of my total weight. I've been hovering just under that mark. I'm going to the gym after work. Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday, Amorous Rocker!!

2009-06-15T22:32:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday!

Holy birthday cake, Batman!

Adventures in Nature

2009-06-15T11:16:00.003-04:00

I went to my mom's house with my cousin BabyMaker this past Saturday. Mom had no idea I was coming to visit. We arrived at mom's, and found her just waking up from a nap. She was a bit confused to see me standing there in her living room. :)

It turned out to be a nice visit. Cousin took us for ice cream at DQ. I've been lacking inspiration as far as any jewelry making is concerned. I didn't get much done. Cousin made a pillow case for mom. Mom bossed us around, which is par for the course. After Cousin left, mom and I went to the market.

On the way back, she decided we needed to call for her cat named Bear. Bear is a sweet, timid little thing that has recently been allowed outside. Mom lives in the country, and already has one cat (Cheyenne) that knows the ins and outs of being a country cat. We stopped near a field, calling for Bear. I said "There's an orange ca... Oh! That's a fox!" So she says "Quick! Take a picture!" As I struggle with my stupid cell phone, we see a streak of white and tiger stripe dash away from the fox.

It was Cheyenne. She starts screaming, I start yelling for Cheyenne to run (like he knows WTF I'm saying) and I jump out of the car running after the cat and fox. Right into the woods. Bad idea for a city girl. As I'm tromping through the woods looking for her cat or the fox, I knock over small trees, get caught on prickers from God-knows-what plant, and get plant goop on me from what I think (hope) was milkweed. I finally came to a small clearing. As I'm standing there, trying to listen for the animals, I feel a thousand tiny pinpricks in my legs. I look down, and I'm COVERED IN MOSQUITOES!!! I felt like Agent Pleakley from Lilo & Stitch when he discovered that mosquitoes don't "nuzzle" with their noses!

Finally, after 45 minutes to an hour, the stupid cat starts meowing at us. But he won't come out of the brambly trees, and I sure as hell ain't going in after him. I can only imagine what I looked like as I walked out of the woods. Legs all scratched up, hair all wild, sweaty and itchy.

I hate going to the country.

Mute Monday - Texture

2009-06-15T09:01:00.004-04:00

Hot

Rough

Smooth

Cool

Sticky

Crunchy

Soft

Satiny

Mute Monday - New York, New York

2009-06-01T13:26:00.008-04:00

Things you might find in NYC, with the exception of the first image.

These images are all over the place, cuz that's the kind of tourist I am. All over the place.

TMI Tuesday #186

2009-05-12T08:25:00.002-04:00

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?
From my father: A fierce stubborn streak. His wavy hair. My temper.
From my mother: My crafty skills. My brown hair color. My Native American ancestry.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?
Son is very laid back, and has his father's sense of humor. However, he does have that stubborn streak and temper like I have. He bears a strong resemblance to me and my mother.
Baby Girl looks like her father. Everything else is all me. 10 times over. Not a happy situation during certain times of the month... :D

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?
My mother was very honest about everything.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?
I had several favorites. The Secret Garden and The Little House Collection are my top two.

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?
All of it.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?
Be more outgoing. Don't be so damned shy, and don't be so much like your father. Join the Marines. It'll be your only chance out of this armpit.

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?
I can't use "Better Off Dead", it's already been used. At least that's a comedy. I think I could use "How to throw the best Pity Parties". It's how I feel most days lately.

Mute Monday - Spirits

2009-05-11T09:22:00.005-04:00

Iroquois clans represent three main elements of nature.

Air

Snipe

Heron

Hawk

Water

Eel

Beaver

Turtle

Earth

Wolf

Deer

Bear

TMI Tuesday #185

2009-05-05T11:03:00.002-04:00

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it?
Nope. I hate the popups.

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why?
For the most part, I'd rather read an erotic story. It allows me to use my own imagination. I've watched porn, but it doesn't really do anything for me. I get bored watching it.

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood?
It's been so long since we've even tried to get in the mood. Damn, we're pathetic. In the past, I've worn sexy lingerie, worn nothing while giving him a full body massage, invited him into the shower.

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex?
I think it depends who is with me. I'm very comfortable talking about sex with my female friends. Male friends, not so much. Mostly because my male friends are his friends.

5. What are the last 5 things you search for on Google (or another search engine)?
Wow, this is a random question :D I searched for this place where Son is going for a job interview, fonts, fertility symbols, woodburning designs and stuff for work.

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of?
I don't really think I've been ashamed of one. Not that I have that many. Right now, my fantasy is to just have sex. Let's start there.

Mute Monday - Guess the Place IMG HEAVY

2009-05-04T00:01:00.015-04:00

People are dying to get in here. ~~Just have to give me the name of it. Go ahead, Google it. I'll wait.~~

It's Forest Lawn Cemetary in Buffalo, NY.

(Edward) Cullen's Crypt?

The poor turtle I almost stepped on, because I thought it was a rock.

The Three Graces

Peter "Rabbit"

Jesse Ketchum

How ironic is this tombstone?! :D

I'm Rick James, Bitch!

Giuseppe Verdi

13th President - Millard Fillmore

Edward Hutchinson

Can't have Edward without Bella

Glad it's not Mee, but Yu...

A monument that looks like a tree stump

Volunteer Firefighter's Memorial

Blocher Memorial

Red Jacket

TMI Tuesday #184

2009-04-28T08:42:00.003-04:00

1. Have you ever had angry sex?
Yes, once.

2. Pity sex?
Nope

3. "Oh well, I might as well" sex?
Yes, my first time was "I might as well". I had to know what all the excitement was about. It seemed like everyone but me had been having sex. I wasn't impressed.

4. One-of-you-knew-it-was-goodbye-and-the-other-didn't sex?
Yes. I was the one that didn't know.

5. Don't-remember-having-it sex?
I don't remember :D

6. Regret-it-afterward sex?
Yes. It was so horrible, I'm not even sure it could be considered sex. (see my bonus answer)

7. Can't-remember-his/her-name sex?
Nope.

8. Never-knew-his/her-name sex?
Nope. I'm too much of a prude for that type of sex.

Bonus: What was the worst single sexual experience of your life?
That would be the one time I had sex with D. I had a slight crush on him, and he was always trying to charm me. He convinced me to take a walk with him, and we wound up behind a school. We were making out like crazy, and he started fingering me (which was great). Apparently, only his fingers were nice and long, because his dick sure wasn't. It was so small. I was already in a half-squat because I was slightly taller than him, but it didn't really make a difference because he kept slipping out. I was so pissed.

Wedding, Fatties, and Book Club

2009-04-27T13:50:00.001-04:00

Wedding
It doesn't seem as if it's been a month since Dollie's wedding. The hall she rented was about 5 miles north of East Jah-hunga. The owner of the place was a real bitch. She kept going on and on about traditional weddings, and what other people always do. Dollie and her Leprechaun are by no means traditional. Her wedding colors were red, white and black. Her bouquet had black roses.

The song she chose for the processional was "As the Cold Rain Falls" by Tiger Army. Her choice for the recessional was the Munsters theme song. Like I said, totally NOT traditional. All Dollie's choices really irked Hall Owner for some reason. All of us wanted to smack her and tell her to shut the hell up.

The rehearsal was on Thursday March 26. Friday the 27th was set aside for a day of rest and relaxation. Dollie got a hotel room, that included use of the spa (YES!) and a pool. That spa was sooo nice and hot! I wish I was sitting in it right now.

Even though our state doesn't allow for smoking indoors in public places, this room was a smoking-allowed room. The smokers loved it. They don't smoke inside their own houses, so that was a real treat for them. Unfortunately, when I did smoke I smoked inside. (bad Kiki! someone spank me! :D )

The wedding turned out beautifully, and we all looked great.

They are so happy. I tried so hard not to be jealous, because she got to marry her best friend. Hub said he wasn't attending the wedding because it was a dry wedding. Both Dollie and Lep are recovering addicts, so no booze for them at any shin-dig they throw.

I sent Hub a pic that I took with my camera phone, and said "this is me, missing you" because I hadn't seen him since the Wednesday before the wedding. His response - OIC. FUCK. Why do I let this kind of shit happen to me? I must be masochistic.

Fatties
I joined Weight Watchers the Wednesday before the wedding. Even with all the food I ate, I actually lost 3.8 pounds! Not bad for my first weigh-in. Week 3 was just under half that. Week 4 was even worse! Like the lady said, "Down is down." My total for 4 weeks is 5.6 pounds.

I've gotten myself back on track this past week. Baby Girl did a walk-a-thon yesterday for Kids Escaping Drugs. I did my own little walk-a-thon. I can't tell you where just yet, it would ruin next week's Mute Monday. I will say that I walked for a total of about 4 hours all together. Her walk was only 1 hour. :D

Book Club
Not really a book club, but it seems like it. "Members" include Dollie, me, Red, Sweetie, and KDog. All the members of the wedding party! We were all reading the Twilight series, even though I said I'd never read it. Curiosity got the better of me. I had to know why every pre-teen, teen, and their mothers were obsessing over this series.

What made it hard for us all to discuss elements of each book was the fact that not all of us were on the same book. Now, we're all finished. And we've all moved on to different books, without discussing anything further of Twilight.

Mute Monday - Clean

2009-04-27T10:55:00.004-04:00

Friday 5 - Annoyance

2009-04-24T09:38:00.002-04:00

1. What’s the most annoying sound in the world?
Right now, it is the sound of the phone ringing.

2. Which of other people’s mannerisms do you find very annoying?
I really can't stand it when people scuff their feet when they walk. One woman at my previous job did this constantly. She used to be rather large, and I think she wore the shoes she had before her weight-loss surgery. Scuffing feet drives me batshit.

3. What do you do that really annoys others?
Once I get really aggravated, if things aren't going the way I think they should I storm off to brood. Fuck the world.

4. In what way has your own behavior recently caused you annoyance?
Once I storm off to brood, I sometimes have to apologize.

5. Who’s the most annoying person you know?
My DNA Sponsor. We call him Captain Obvious. He says he's the smartest person he knows. Aside from me and my family, he's the ONLY person he knows. He never goes out, he farts, burps, and just fucking annoys me.

Late Weird Wednesday

2009-04-23T22:41:00.002-04:00

I hate it when my days are "off".

Wednesday Weirdness #52
Questions By: Amorous Rocker

1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase?
Feminine Hygiene products. I don't know why.

2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most?
Vanilla Missionary.

3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off?
It depends how lazy I feel. Most times I untie them, because I hate having to untie them to put them on and I hate trying to shove my foot in the shoe.

4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident?
The bed frame. We weren't even doing anything. I had just made the bed, and he laid down. I sat down on the edge, ~~probably~~ obviously too hard and the supports under the boxspring broke right in half.

5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why?
I think I could stand to lose a leg. I do too much with my hands, they assist me in my line of work. I also like to craft, and it would be a bit difficult to knit with my toes.

6.) How do you feel about anal sex?
LOVE IT.

7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why?
Ooo, tough choice. I hate worrying about a person telling a lie. It causes me stress, and self-doubt. However, if I knew they were telling a lie, then I'd only worry about the best course of action. Still stressed. I think I'd have to choose the ability to solve problems. Solve the problem, no more stress. Yeah, I can live with that.

TMI Tuesday #183

2009-04-21T10:05:00.000-04:00

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life?
I'd have to say my greatest accomplishment is that I haven't killed Husband.

2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future?
To be able to find a job where I am happy. (Anyone have a lead on anything that applies to IT and Criminal Justice?)

3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find?
A Wikipedia entry about a countess. Cool!

4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)?
No one. Damn, how sad is that?

5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero?
I don't consider my parents heroes. Once upon a time, many, many moons ago I might have considered my mother to be a hero. But, not anymore. I'd have to say my friends Dollie, and Red.

6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks?
I'm not connected to anyone famous.

Mute Monday - Outrage

2009-04-20T08:28:00.006-04:00

I'm actually posting on the right day! :D

Weird Wednesday #51

2009-04-15T00:59:00.005-04:00

Story Time Edition
Theme by: Pink Vodka Bubbles

1.) Tell us how you picked the blog nickname that you write under. (IE: I am Pink Vodka Bubbles) Were you considering using a different pseudonym or was the one you wound up with your first pick?

Kiki is the Hawaiian version of my nickname. I started this blog under a different name, one where I vented my frustrations and thoughts about Hub's indiscretinos. I then decided that I needed to find a way to help me break free of the bonds of conservative prudishness. No such luck. I finally settled with this version of the blog because I don't always feel like I know myself anymore. Lately, I feel I should start calling myself Sex Starved Kitten.

2.) Tell us about your worst oral sex experience.

I'm not really big on oral sex. Hub seems to like to give, but I could live without it. Maybe he isn't doing it right. I've tried to show him what/how to make it enjoyable for me. He gives no indication that he's enjoying it when I give, so I'm at a loss even after 17 years.

3.) Tell us about the most fun night you've had in the last two months time.

The most fun would be the night before Dollie's wedding, spent at the hotel with Red, Dollie, Cutie Pie, and JJ. Just a bunch of girls, swimming, in the hot tub, eating pizza and just relaxing.

4.) If you were in a restaurant sitting down ready to order and you saw something that grossed you out enough to make you get up right then and leave without ever ordering, tell us about what you saw to make you react that way.

Maggots or roaches.

5.) Tell us about your favorite childhood toy.

I actually still have them. One is a teddy bear given to me by a neighbor, and the other is a 2 foot tall Raggedy Ann doll that my mother made for me.

6.) Tell us about the weirdest sexual proposition you've ever been faced with.

That would have to be during high school. Now I've never thought of myself as a sexual being, nor a pretty girl. I'm not grotesque either. I guess I'm just average, in so many ways that I don't want to get into right now.

Getting on with the story, there were a bunch of guys in high school that felt the need to torture me psychologically. One day, in shop class, JB was in charge of the tool room. He dragged a desk in there, and when I needed to sign out a hammer, he said "Come on, Kiki. Join me in here." and he started to dry hump the desk.

As I reached over the half door to unlock it, I said "Sure thing, sexy". He totally freaked. That was the last time he ever did or said anything of that nature again. :D

7.) Tell us about one of the not-so-good dates you and your current (or ex if you have no current) significant other have gone on.

There are two that stick out in my mind. One is our anniversary dinner a few years ago. I thought I blogged about it, but couldn't find it. He made me cry, and not for any good reason like a really nice piece of jewelry as a gift.

Let me tell you about the "romance" package I setup for Valentine's day 2002. It had occurred to me that around the time of indiscretions, I should probably put more effort into being a better wife/lover. I booked a room with a jacuzzi in a Downtown hotel. Took him to dinner at a local brew pub so that he could try different beers. We didn't talk much. On our way back to the hotel, we had to pass by the many bars on the local strip.

I have this thing about "sharing" the sidewalk, and having enough manners to move over when I see someone else walking on the same sidewalk. I was raised to move behind/in front of the people I am with because it's the polite thing to do. I sometimes forget that not everyone knows about the "single-file" thing. I just love it when I have to brace myself with my shoulder ready to knock some trifling bitch to the ground because she is too involved in herself to have some fucking manners. (WOW, no anger there huh?)

So I shouldered Barbie out of the way, because I didn't want to walk in the mud with my brand new boots. That must have ticked him off because I could hear him mumbling about it. That pissed me off. We finally made it back to the room, and settled down. Ok, I settled down.

Once it was time for bed, I put on the lingerie I bought. I tried to give oral, but I guess I wasn't doing it as well as his Skank Whore, because he stopped me and said I didn't have to do this. That hurt. Holy fuck, that really was a bad date.

TMI Tuesday #182

2009-04-14T09:23:00.004-04:00

I called off sick yesterday. I thought today was Monday. Now that I know it's Tuesday...

1. If you could describe your personality through a dance what would it be?
I'd have to say Mosh Pit. Sometimes I'm angry/grouchy/aggressive. Other times, I'm fun.

2. What about describing your sex life through a type of dance?
Mime. I know it's not a dance, but dance indicates some type of movement. There is no dance that has absolutely no moves whatsoever. Think of what a mime does. He pretends he's doing something. That's what my sex life is like right now.

3. What's one move on the dance floor sure to turn you on?
Since I can't dance well, any move could be considered a turn on for me. I love to watch the Tango, and any type of Latin dance. I love to watch Native American dancing at Powwows.

4. Is there a dancer you would love to be with? (Dancer can be used as loosely as you want!)
Patrick Swayze during the 80's. Even with the mullet.

5. What moves do you pull out to impress someone new?
I don't pull out any moves. Someone might get hurt...

Mute Monday - Food & Beverage

2009-04-14T08:31:00.006-04:00

Because I thought today was Monday...

Wednesday Weirdness

2009-04-08T02:47:00.003-04:00

WW #50
Questions by: Aiden Church and Biz Brunette

1.) What condiment goes best with french fries?
Ketchup, hot sauce, and vinegar.

2.) What condiment do you feel best represents your personality?
Hot Sauce

3.) If the love of your life was a different religion from you, would you convert for them if they asked you to?
No. The love of my life would have to understand that my beliefs are different, and I can't change that for anyone but myself.

4.) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Crackers.

5.) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No. I like surprises.

6.) If you could change your eye color to anything in the world you wanted, what would you change it to?
Violet

7.) Are you more often the partner in crime or the good conscience with your friends and family?
I'm the good conscience.

TMI Ketchup

2009-04-07T11:20:00.013-04:00

181

1. Have you ever had a sexual experience with the opposite sex?
Wait a second... I think you mean the same sex. I have'nt. But I think I'd like to.

2. When you see someone you like, how do you act, how do you get their attention?
It's been a while since I've had to get anyone's attention. The last time, I just made sure I always dressed nice, wore makeup, did my hair, smelled nice, and made sure I was available whenever he needed anything.

3. Dominate or dominated, which do you prefer?
It's not anything that M and I have done, but I think I'd prefer to dominate.

4. Would you/ Have you ever had a threesome?
I have not. I probably wont, either unless I can convince Red.

5. When was the last time you had sex?
Hell, I don't remember. I'm so deprived.

6. Sex on the first date...good or bad?
Bad. Unless you are looking for a one nighter.

7. Do you have any random or out of the ordinary turn ons?
At this point, anything is a turn on.

8. What attributes attract you to a potential partner.
The ability to have an intelligent conversation. Playful, with a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at oneself. A great deal of patience, to use when dealing with my mood swings/temper tantrums. Eyes that light up when they see you. A dimpled smile that could melt the polar ice caps. An ass that makes me want to grab a handful.

180

1. Have you ever sent or recieved a sext message?
I've sent one to M. I didn't get much of a response.

2. Have you ever made or recieved a booty call?
Never had the opportunity to follow through with the booty call.

3. Have you ever added or edited a word/entry to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary or any other online reference?
Nope.

4. At what age did you have your first consensual sexual experience?
17.

5. What has been the greatest age difference between you a consensual sexual partner?
It might have been 4 or 5 years. I'm not sure how old he was, but I know he was older.

Bonus (as in optional): Why do you blog?
I blog because it helps me to analyze things, to work things out, and generally just to vent. Whenever I have a problem, I need to write things down.

179

1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?
Yes, with results.

2. Do you gossip?
I try not to gossip. I'm complain about a person, but if I hear something that could be potentially bad, I keep it to myself.

3. How many people do you completely trust?
Not very many. I'd have to say I trust 3 people wtih my deepest, darkest secrets.

4. Have you ever had sex in car?
Nope, and never will.

5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?
It's been a while, but I have to say innuendo.

Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
The most times in one day was 6. We had to be careful because I was pregnant. :)

178

1. Don't tell us what it is, but do you have a sexual secret you have never told anyone?
2. Do you have a nonsexual secret you have never told anyone?
Same answer for the first two questions. I have no secrets that I've never told anyone. Certain people know, others do not.

3. Did you ever tell someone a secret only to have them spill it? What were the repercussions?
Yes, I told a former friend a secret that she spilled. The result was a HUGE mess that really fucked me over mentally. I haven't really talked to her since.

4. Did you ever spill a secret someone told you? What were the repercussions?
I think it got back and I lost the friendship. That was the last time I spilled.

5. Tell us a secret someone told you, however along ago, that you've never told. (You can disguise name or details)
Secrets are called such for a reason. If someone trusted me enough to tell me and keep it, I can't tell you about it, now can I?

177

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?
I'm not for it or against it. Marriage isn't for everyone. I'm against getting married because there are kids. That's like "I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be asked to marry you out of love. You're asking because you think it's the 'right' thing to do."

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?
No. I guess I'm not that adventurous

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?
Sometimes I do.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?
This is a touchy subject. My friend Cupcake says that even having a crush on another guy while married/in a relationship is cheating because you're not fully committed to your SO. If it stays strictly online, then I would not consider it cheating. If it goes up close and personal, then I have a problem with it.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?
Sometimes he's too eager to get some, and I'm not always ready.

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?
It's equal between us. We each have our moments where it's GOTTA BE RIGHT NOW! YES! OH YEAH!

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?
I am not okay with him openly flirting. I hate it. I shouldn't be surprised by it at this stage.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?
No. I'm like ultra conservative.

176

1. Is there a sexual act/position/practice that you were sure in advance you would hate (or never try) and then discovered to your surprise you loved?
Yes, I was terrified of anal sex. Until I tried it.

2. Is there a sexual act/position/practice that proved a lot less interesting in practice than you thought it would be beforehand?
Due to our height differences, 69 is a bit difficult and therefore not as satisfying.

3. How do you let your significant other know you're in the mood? How do you let a new person in your life know?
Currently, I have to hit Hub in the head with a frying pan... Not literally, but it seems like he doesn't get hints. Like when I'm wearing something silky and sexy to bed. I'd just ask a new person if they wanted to have sex.

4. How does your significant other let you know he/she is in the mood?

5. Is there one that got away - a sexual opportunity you didn't realise was one at the time, or weren't ready for and regret missing ever since?

175
1. What do find is the most exciting part of a new sexual encounter?
2. Do you have "a most exciting part of a sexual encounter" with a usual partner?
3. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you just met?
4. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you work with?
5. How open and honest are you about your life with a casual acquaintance who lives in your neighborhood (or the parent a your child's friend or...)?

Bonus (as in optional): Define a "normal" as in "normal relationship" or "normal sex life".

174

1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?
2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
3. How important is a partners kissing ability?
4. Have you ever "taken advantage" of a person under the influence of alcohol? Have you ever been "taken advantage" of while under the influence of alcohol?
5. Ever tried to replay the famous scene from From Here to Eternity? How was it?

Bonus (as in optional): What kind of birth control do you use?

173
1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?
2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?
4. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? Id so, at what age?
5. What is one thing a someone could do to you to rock your world?

Bonus (as in optional):What does sex mean to you?

172
1. When you sleep with someone, how much or how little contact do you like to have?
2. What do you think there is a appropriate amount of time for a divorce parent to date before introducing the kids to the "new" "special" person in their life?
3. Which ONE do you wish you had more of in bed... romance, experimentation or foreplay?
4. What do you thinks makes a kiss great?
5. Describe your sex life in two words.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell....

From this point forward, I have no idea what # TMI they all are... Just roll with it.

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
Inkheart. Not romantic and we saw it with the kiddos, lol. But it was good. :)

2. What is your favorite movie theater snack?
The popcorn, with butter flavor. Cherry coke. Sour Patch Kids.

3. Have you ever snuck in ‘outside’ food into a theater?
Like you haven't... Who wants to pay $3.50 for a box of Goobers, when you can run to the dollar store and get 3 boxes for the price of 1?!

4. Have you ever made out in a theater?
::sigh:: No, I haven't made out in a theater.

5. What is the ‘farthest’ you have gone in a theater?
Go back to question 4.

Bonus (as in optional): What is one of your favorite movie sex scene?
All of them. LOL I'm so deprived right now, even a kissing scene sends shivers down my spine.

1. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
I'm not lucky enough to know anyone wtih a lot of money. So I've never dated/married for money.

2. What is your type?
Now that I think about it, most of the guys I've wanted are Italian. Ernie was Italian. I think that I might have had a strong chance of being with him if I weren't married. He's intelligent, a great listener, playful, strong, sweet, thoughtful, caring, sexy...

3. What is the best sex game you have ever played?
The time we played Truth or Dare with his best friend and wife.

4. Have you ever given or received an orgasm from a person whose last name you did not know?
Nope

5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a sexual partner?
Yes, but it's awkward for me. You'd think I'd be over that after 17 years.

Bonus (as in optional):At what age do you think men and women reach their sexual peak? Do you think you have hit yours yet?
I think everyone is different. I don't think I've hit mine yet, and if I have it was short-lived.

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?
Right now, -10. There is one other issue that is beyond our control, and it SUCKS rocks.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?
Grab some ass and hang on for a wild ride!

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?
When Hub proposed, he said the jeweler broke the ring while trying to set the stone. It was Mother's day or some other special occassion because we were on our way out to dinner. I told him that was alright, I could wait for the ring to be repaired.

Then just before our dinner was served, he got on one knee and brought out a ring box!

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?
My friend's parents owned a corner store. I had sex in the bathroom.

5. How do you liked to be kissed?
If I'm ready to go I like hard, passionate, take-your-breath-away kisses.

Bonus (as in optional): Most embarrassing sexual moment?
At prom. Date and I were making out in the limo, and he had my skirt up too high. Someone opened the door and he jumped away, leaving me exposed. Dumbass.

‘Would you rather…’ edition (I threw something together over on the TMI site bc I think Prof Fate got lost ;)

1. Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don’t get along with?
I'd rather be with someone I didn't like. At least that way, I'd have someone to talk to other than myself.

2. Would you rather accidentally walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
EW! Neither. I've already walked in on the parents, so let's make that my answer. EW!

3. Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car with out any underwear?
Definitely nipple slip. No need to show all my goodies.

4. Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the Internet for two years?
I'd rather not have sex for two years. Oh, wait.. I think I've come close to that already.

5. Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?
True love.

Bonus (as in optional): If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
Doggy style. All I ever get is Missionary. At least with Doggy Style, I don't have to worry about him seeing my face if I get bored. That, and it feels great. :D

1. What is the greatest age difference between you and a SO? Older or younger?
He's 3 years older

2. What is the greatest age difference between you and any sexual partner? Older or younger?
I think he was 4 or 5 years older.

3. Have you started your holiday shopping? Is it done?
Never start holiday shopping in time.

4. What are the chances there will be a “naughty” present under the tree this year (either from you or for you)?
None.

5. What is your favorite holiday song?
My absolute favorite is Nat King Cole's Christmas Song.

Bonus (as in optional):Do you have a preferred time of day to have sex? If so, why?
It isn't so much a preferred time of day, as it is a preferred state of wake/sleep. I love it when I'm halfway between waking and sleeping. Everything seems enhanced to me somehow.

1. Do you consider sexy underthings a present for you or your partner?
A present for both.

2. What are 3 characteristics of “your type”?
Intelligent. Patient. Italian.

2a. Have your best relationship(s) been with your type or when you have gone against it?
Well, I'm not with my type now so it's best when I go against my type. I like to think that there is only one person that is my type that would be absolutely FANTASTIC, and that's Ernie.

3. What is on your Santa list this year?
Money. So I can buy what I requested in the first place.

4. Generally speaking, who has historically had a higher libido, you or your partner(s)?
My partners. Maybe I haven't been done right LOL

5. The unsculptured female bush seems to have passed from fashion. What about men, do you think they need to trim and shave “down there”?
Yes, men should groom themselves. There's no way I'm taking a closer look at anything if it's covered in hair.

Bonus (as in optional):What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual and non-sexual)?
Favorite sexual things: SEX
Fave non-sexual thing: holding hands while walking around

1. What are your turn-ons?
A great sense of humor. Abs.

2. What are your turn-offs?
Cockiness.

3. Not counting your turn-ons, what’s the best trait a person can have?
Being able to make everyone feel important, even in a room full of people.

4. Not counting your turn-offs, what’s the worst trait a person can have?
Being self-centered, acting as if no one else matters.

5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Having to repeat myself a million fucking times.

Bonus (as in optional):Describe your best and worst experience.
Experience doing what?

1. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Cranberry nut bread. I can't get enough of it.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Duran Duran

3. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I'd probably go to the craft store or the dollar store.

4. What is your favorite curse word?
FUCK

5. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'd make sure my mother never met my father. Yes, I know that doing so would wipe me out of existence. But I'd still be born, I'd just be different. And my name would probably be Cheyenne.

Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I'd be invisible. Cuz then I could walk around naked all day, and no one would know!

Ketchup

2009-03-26T13:39:00.008-04:00

It's been too long since I've blogged here. I just didn't have much to write about.

Hub and I started Weight Watchers yesterday. I'm not doing so good. I'M HUNGRY. I'm going to stick with it, though. I'm not one to give up so easily. I had tried to track my food a few months ago, and I forgot to write down my foods for one day, and that threw off the whole thing. Now that I have to track points, I have no reason to not track.

Did I mention that I'm hungry? I know I'm not thirsty. I think if I have any more water, I'm going to float away. So, yeah, it's hunger.

We now have high speed internet service at home. Took him long enough. I've only had dial-up since 1998, and have been trying to convince him that we need high speed about once a month. It wasn't until I finally gave it up that he decided he didn't like dial-up anymore.

I'm still hungry. I think my marriage suffered a slight relapse. You might be thinking: WTF is she talkin' about? I'm talking about the fact that many moons ago, it seems like forever ago, Hub decided that he wasn't getting enough emotional support from me and had an affair. In my eyes, an affair is different from cheating, although they both have the same aspects/actions/results.

Before I get too sidetracked, let me recap for you:

I was depressed. I hid in the Internet, practically ignored my family.
Hub went out all the time, every weekend. Left me with the kids and his sister (who was staying with us)
I snapped out of it when I found a receipt for roses I never received
The "witch-hunt" began.
I did things I'm not proud of, but would not change and might possibly repeat.
We went to counseling, I didn't kill anyone.
and they lived happily ever after...

Until now. Sunday night, I'm playing Sims on Playstation. He's on the internet. We're having a few beers, having a nice mellow evening. He asked me to troubleshoot something on the computer. He went downstairs. He left his phone on the desk.

I honestly don't know what possessed me, but I picked it up and looked through his texts. I'll be damned if I didn't find a message to a phone number that's not in his address book.

hey babe wats up

WTF?! Oh, HELL NO. Not again. The blood is pounding through my body so hard, I think my jugular might explode. I can feel it bulging out of my neck. I sit and wait for him to return, with the text ready to be shown.

Are you sure there's no one else (referring to another convo we'd had a month ago)
Yes, I'm sure. There's no one else.
THEN WHOTHEFUCK ARE YOU CALLING BABE? Do you think I want to go through that shit again?
It's just a joke. There's no one else.
A joke? You think I find it Fucking Funny that you're calling some other bitch babe? It's NOT. I'd better not find out there is someone else, I WILL divorce you, without blinking an eye.
There's no one else! I'm sorry.

Then I said lots of other stuff, and he apologized again. And again. Since then, he's kept his phone close to him, turning it off when he sleeps. His portion of the phone bill is missing. FUCK. I really don't want to go through all that shit again.

And I'm still hungry.

In other, happier news:

My friend Dollie is getting married this Saturday. I'm a bridesmaid. We'll be wearing a dress similar to Marilyn Monroe's dress worn in The Seven Year Itch. Obviously, I'm not rockin' the dress as well as Marilyn. The only good part is that it's black, so that will hide a few spots.

Choices

2009-02-17T10:11:00.003-05:00

Life and career. Most people have such things worked out. I thought I did. Lately, I've been feeling a bit... lost. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't feel like I know what I'm good at doing.

I'm not so sure that I want to work with/around computers anymore. I know it's going to be near impossible to avoid any type of computing equipment. I know for a fact that I don't want to continue at my current place of employment. I just can't take day-in and day-out, never-ending calls from the type of customers to which I speak.

I have two Associate degrees. Two! I'm not really doing anything with either of them. I was talking to Rockabilly Red about school and stupid College, and came to the conclusion that I stayed there so long because I thought I'd look like an idiot anywhere else. They don't really teach you everything you might need to know. I stayed there because I "knew" what I was doing. I was afraid that if I left, I'd be proven to be stupid and not really know any "real" computer stuff.

My original thought with the Criminal Justice degree was to combine my "skills" with CJ to go into the field of Computer Forensics. I struggled with the computer forensics class. There was too much to know and remember. So I may have sabotaged myself on that end. I still have my books, and will be re-reading them.

Oh, hell. Let me be honest. I've hardly ever read any of my text books while attending classes. Most of the knowledge in my head came from what was taught in class, then regurgitated during quizzes and exams. I never studied for anything. Either I am a freakin' genius, or College is not doing what it should to ensure quality education.

I was talking to M, and he reminded me of something. He was almost 40 before he discovered what he was good at doing. If I use 40 as a guideline, then I don't have much time left! I know, you're probably thinking "But you have two degrees. Why aren't you doing anything in your field?" That's a good, valid question. To which I do not have an answer.

All I know is that I have to answer a few things: What I'm good at doing, and what makes me happy. I know what makes me happy. Crafting. Making things. Part of my problem is that I haven't met a craft I didn't like. More thought will be given to upcoming adventures!

I believe that a happy worker is a productive worker. My 9 years spent in College hell absolutely spits in the face of that thought...

Is it possible that I'm having a mid-life crisis? Ack! Sometimes I think that I am having one. I got my nose pierced a few years ago. I want a tatoo. I'm in my late 30's with two teenagers. I don't want to be like my 40-something year old SIL that runs around wearing clothing that only a 19 year old should wear. All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are, something is going to break. I just don't want it to be me that breaks...

Mute Monday - Addiction

2009-02-09T15:07:00.012-05:00

Mute Monday - Creature

2009-02-02T15:35:00.008-05:00

Mute Monday - BIG

2009-01-26T15:33:00.003-05:00

Mute Monday - W

2009-01-05T10:00:00.005-05:00

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

Under-medicated Me

2008-12-06T23:48:00.012-05:00

I've been without happi pills for a few days now, but only because I found the bottle and took what was left. I'd been without them for about a week and a half prior to that. I called the Dr this past Thursday. His bitch of a nurse curtly informed me that he doesn't see people that pay cash, and she insinuated that .

I know it's my fault that I don't currently have insurance, and that I haven't had any since my last job. But she didn't need to be such a cunt about it. Stupid fat bitch. I can feel the anger building when I get irritated. It wears me out to keep it under control. It was so much easier with citalopram.

This is me on happi pills:

This is me NOT on happi pills, and yes I do require warnings:

I told Red about it, and she actually shrank away from me in fear. I don't want her to be scared of me. I just want to be happy. And right now, I am not happy. I don't feel like I belong in my family, and my moods fluctuate between crying my ass off to wanting to remove other people's body parts.

TMI Tuesday #161

2008-11-19T09:24:00.004-05:00

1. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?
This morning. I didn't want to step on the cat. He really hates that.

2. On a scale from 1-10, how comfy are you being naked?
If I'm alone, 10.
With M, 5.

3. What is the longest you've ever been celibate after having lost your virginity?
I'd say about a year. It wasn't fun.

4. Have you ever had sex in a car? If yes, since you were a teenager?
No, and I never will. M ruined that for me.

5. When did you last use food or drink as medication?
Last week. I ate a whole box of Jingles because I was having a pity party for myself.

Bonus: Name three words that:
a) get you excited: Dollie Jo, Rockabilly Red, erotica
b) make you squirm: molest, rape, child porn
c) make you laugh: dick, cock

What's for breakfast?

2008-11-17T09:49:00.009-05:00

Just a few days ago, I was thinking that nothing interesting happens to me.

I got to watch my little niece overnight this past Friday. She's just about to turn 2, and cute as a button. My SIL came to pick her up on Saturday. While waiting for her to show up, I decided to bring out the laptop. That was a HUGE mistake. M put his full cup of coffee on the table. Boy got up, bumped the table and spilled that coffee.

ALL. OVER. MY. LAPTOP.

So, today's Mute Monday special, fried laptop, is brought to you today by the Letter

and represents things I want to do to those two

I'm so pissed I could chew
I'd like to put these in their eyes:
I want to twist their
with

and run over their

with

and then hang them from a
and I'd let you all watch for two

Moral of the Story?

NEVER piss off a Native American female,
cuz she'll stomp your ass and have fun doing it!

TMI Tuesday #160

2008-11-11T09:26:00.003-05:00

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
Nope.

2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
We kiss all the time. We usually make out in the kitchen, while we're cooking dinner. But only if no one else is in the room, it kinda freaks out the kiddles.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing?
According to dictionary.com, happy and content are synonyms. I suppose they are, in a way. Content means that you are going with the flow, things are status quo and there are no expectations of anything improving or getting worse. I guess happy is just another level of content, and your head is held high and heart is singing.

4. What do you do to relieve stress?
I don't. That's part of my problem. Although I have to admit that I don't have as much stress as I had with my old job.

5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
I didn't really pick him for anything special.

Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
I was 17.

Mute Monday - M

2008-11-10T12:30:00.004-05:00

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-31T00:00:00.002-04:00

Mute Monday - K * IMG HEAVY *

2008-10-27T08:21:00.028-04:00

Cosmic Oddities

2008-10-23T09:44:00.005-04:00

This past weekend, I went to my friend Bubbles' house for a Tarot card "party". The price was $5 per reading, and the proceeds went to Hospice. Even though I really don't take stock in such things, I figured what the hell since the money goes to a good cause.

I've had my cards read before, but by Rockabilly Red. She already knows everything about me, so that's sort of like cheating. Even though the reader gave a "this is for entertainment purposes only" disclaimer, he hit all the nails right on the head. The conflicts between me, my DNA sponsor and my son; how I'm just hanging around, not doing much with two degrees; even my feelings of wanting to run away from it all. Scary!

I've been feeling indifferent the past few days. The kids and DNA Sponsor fight over watching TV a lot. I tried to make a schedule, so that everyone gets a fair shot at watching recordings and shows. It's guerrilla warfare in TV land. Someone keeps deleting recordings, or skips recordings. It's getting tiresome. So far, it hasn't worked out too well. I've only told the Boy, since he is the only one at home during the day because his lazy ass doesn't have a job. I told him to pick either Monday or Thursday to watch his recordings. I picked Wednesday, since it's my day off.

It didn't work that way. The first thing Lazy Boy did was turn on the idiot box to watch his shows. I told him it wasn't his day to watch. "But it's in the morning". FINE.

Sometimes, I revert to saying things are fine when they aren't. I just spent the whole day in my room, only coming out to get laundry done. Let the little fucker watch the damn thing. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of dealing with all this shit. I'm tired of being expected to raise the spirits of everyone else in the house, when I can't even get my own spirits up. The kids have been treating me like shit, and I think it's because I don't have the balls to tell DNA that he needs to get the fuck out of the house. He was only supposed to be there for a few months, while he "got back on his feet". That was 4 years ago.

I'm tired of the snide comments from the kids and M about DNA. I'm tired of DNA being at my house. I'm tired of trying to keep things smooth. I'm tired of the kids and the way they treat me. I'm just tired of everything.

That is all.

Mute Monday - J

2008-10-20T14:58:00.006-04:00

Entering the big scary world...

2008-10-13T14:51:00.002-04:00

I've finally decided to enter the big scary world of voting. I know, no need for my political blogger friends to blow a gasket.

I'm just waiting for my card to come in the mail. I hope the voter registration office got it in time.

Mute Monday - H

2008-10-13T08:56:00.004-04:00

Mute Monday - G

2008-10-06T11:36:00.005-04:00

Update

2008-10-02T12:08:00.007-04:00

A lot has been going on for me lately, or at least that's what I'd like to think. I've finished with my Criminal Justice degree. When people asked me what I had planned after finishing, I told them I wanted to be a bum. I've worked full time for the past 8 years. I feel like I deserve a break. And what a bum I am! I sleep til 9 or later on my days off, I have absolutely no ambitions right now.

I've been spending more time with Dollie Jo, Rockabilly Red and Little Sista. We're all invited to be a part of Dollie Jo's wedding. It's a black and red theme, and I think she wants us to wear black satiny sleeveless dress.

My grandmother passed away last Tuesday. She was 84. The wake was lovely. The funeral... not so much.

It was fine until we got to the cemetery. Then it became totally fucked. I was looking in my purse, and when i looked up I saw the hearse turning to the left, but not the funeral director guy who was in front of the hearse. I remember thinking "Where is he going? He missed the driveway." Then I saw the back of the hearse...

My uncle D was driving behind the hearse, and HIT the hearse (which was brand new). He said he looked away for just a second then he crashed into it. My cousin K was in the front seat, and had his foot up on the dash. His head hit his knee, then his foot hit the windshield. While at the grave site, K passes out. he's got a concussion. Aunt N was riding in the hearse with grandma, and she went in an ambulance as well. I found out later that all the other cars wouldn't start. They all stalled!

Now that grandma is gone, I think of the family as strings of beads, held together by one central bead. now that bead is missing, and the rest of the strings are falling apart. Some are connected to others, but most of the strings are loose....

I wrote a note to grandma and put it in her purse. She never went anywhere without one. She also never left the house without her nails painted or without lipstick. I regret not spending more time with her. see, somehow my little family of me mom and dad became alienated from them. I always thought it was because of my dad, like he wouldn't let my mom see them. Now I know she played her own part in it as well. My point is that even when i was old enough to choose for myself, I never went to visit her. So I am basically mourning not just her, but the time that we never had because I'm an idiot. I've made my piece with the way things were. That's why I wrote the note. All I can hope for now, is to change the future.

Nice blogging article
http://christinekane.com/blog/18-stupid-mistakes-bloggers-make-in-their-first-year/

Wednesday Weirdness #20 (Late)

2008-09-11T09:17:00.004-04:00

Wednesday Weirdness #20: Weight Watchers

1. Are you happy with how much you weigh? Why or Why not?
I'm not happy with my weight for a few reasons: This is the heaviest I've ever been, and nothing looks right on me. I also want to lose weight to look great for a wedding that I am in.

2. Have you ever been at a weight you are happy with?
Yes, it was shortly after I had Baby Girl. I used to walk to my friend Z's house everyday! It was just about a 2.3 mile walk each way.

3. Are you currently on a diet now? If yes, describe.
Well, I'm basically trying to watch what and how much I eat. I want to exercise, but since I pulled my back muscles (and it still hurts a bit), I'm a bit nervous to go to the gym.

4. What is the craziest thing you have ever done to lose weight?
Nothing really. I've thought about that grapefruit diet.

5. What is your favorite thing about your body?
My favorite thing has to be my legs. They go up and make an ass of themselves :)

6. What is your least favorite thing about your body?
Everything that's not my legs.

Mute Monday - Work

2008-09-01T16:14:00.003-04:00

Next stop - Evictionville!

2008-08-22T21:42:00.005-04:00

Ok, this is the second typing of what happened.

I yelled at the DNA sponsor tonight. He came home in a pissy fucking mood, which set the stage for me being pissy.

Earlier, I was outside creating a belated birthday card for my mom. There were flying ants or some shit that kept landing on me. Pretty hard to work with adhesives and make a nice card when there’s dead fucking bugs all over everything because they’re stuck in the glue.

So I turned on the outside light, and told him there were bugs out there. “What’s the fucking difference?” was his reply. Well, hello to you too you fucking asshole. I turned the light off (I probably could have left that on). As I walked upstairs, I was saying “Don’t get all snappy at me. I’m not the problem.” He comes in the house, slams around in the kitchen then slams the door. I yell down “Stop slamming the dam door”. I asked the kiddles to stay out of his way, mostly because I don’t want to deal with his primadonna bullshit drama.

I hear him come upstairs. He tosses a half-eaten bag of Fritos at me and says “Here, you can have the rest of my dinner. I’m full”. Without saying anything and without looking at him, I pick up the bag and put it on the coffee table.

I don’t know where he got this notion that this is fucking Leave it to Beaver. I am NOT June Cleaver. He thinks coffee and dinner should be ready for him when he gets home from work. Helloooooooo. I don’t even do that shit for my own husband.

About 15 or 20 minutes later, I’m in the Tower and he calls up to me.
Kiki?
What?
Don’t be mad at me. I’m going to the store for something to eat. Do you want anything?
No thank you.
I don’t know what he said that triggered me, but I said “you started it”. Then he starts whining about how for the second night in a row, there’s no dinner for him. There was chicken and salad yesterday. M cooked it before he came downtown to see Saliva because he knew that the fucking Lump was going to whine about it.

What was I supposed to do? Make a chicken sandwich with no bread, nothing but two pieces of chicken and mayo? Did you eat tonight?
No. (not completely true. We all had a late lunch)
Here is where things get fuzzy for me. He said something, and I started yelling.
you were the one all pissy when i told you about the bugs.
I don’t care about sitting with bugs.
That’s fine, but you don’t have TO SNAP AT MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
at this point, I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
He says something I didn’t hear
“if you don’t fucking like it here, you can fucking leave. (something else I didn’t hear) You’re a big boy, fucking deal with it.”

there's more that i want to put here, but that's the jist of the episode.

Damn dial-up

2008-08-22T21:40:00.002-04:00

I just typed out a long fucking post about something that just happened and fucking dialup connection was lost. Everything I just typed is gone. FUCK.

I'll be back. Gotta retype shit now. Gonna do it in Word.

You've GOT to be joking

2008-08-21T10:03:00.002-04:00

Why is elephant skin so wrinkly?
Because they don't fit on the ironing board!

Why aren't there any sheep in Africa?
Because the elephants use them as tampons!

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years your job still sucks

FYI - I can't tell a joke to save my life. So these are a few of the ones that I currently have in my head. Corny, I know.

Ketchup and Mute Monday

2008-08-18T14:26:00.004-04:00

So far, Grandma is okay.

Today is also my mom's b day. So I'm going over to Grandma's house tonight.
Thought I'd stop by and play. I hate being out of the loop....

Life and Death in the Garden

2008-08-07T12:32:00.003-04:00

Not a good day for me.

Grandma wasn't feeling well on Sunday while at a birthday party for one of Cousin BabyMaker's kids. Auntie took her to the hospital and they kept her for observation. She couldn't remember being at BabyMaker's house. Not good.

The doctors said her body is starting to shut down. Auntie has to call hospice, and they are bringing a hospital bed to the house for grandma. I'm at work right now, and I'm having trouble concentrating.

That's all for now.
Thanks for being here.

Cuppiecake!!!

2008-08-02T09:32:00.005-04:00

Being the dork I am, I made cupcakes to take to school. I've never been able to do that before! Except I didn't hear the timer go off, and they are slightly overdone... Not burned, but the bottoms are definitely brown.

Only two people in class had one. That's what teenagers are for - to eat everything in sight!

Plans for the day include

blogging while in class (check)
laundry
spending a bit of time with M
going to a grad party
help Wife with her wedding list of things to do
having a picnic with my wife and mistress
taking part in a Lughnasadh blessing
watching Shakespeare in the park
maybe try and work on the paper that is due today...

Baby Girl is going to join us for the blessing. My feelings about her joining us are mixed. I don't want to discourage her from experiencing new things, but at the same time I'm feeling like she's up my ass. I just hope it goes well today.

Big ol' bottle o' Ketchup!!

2008-08-01T19:55:00.001-04:00

Anybody still visit me here? I'm not ignoring you. Really! This past month has been absolutely nuts for me. I'm lucky to have gotten out two of this month's Mute Monday on Monday. I found a bunch of drafts that need to be published. ~~So guess what ya'll get to see? BWA HAHA!!~~

July 18, 2008

TMI Tuesday #143

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)
I was a Loner.

2. What were you really?
I was a Loner.

3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?
Make more friends, don't be afraid to speak to people.

4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?

Hmm... I think it would be the time when I helped to setup this one girl for an ass whoopin'

5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?

No one, really.

Bonus (as in optional): If you went to prom, describe your outfit.
It was a dress that my mother made for me, fashioned after a Jessica McClintock dress I had seen in a magazine. It was gorgeous. Strapless, with a black satiny skirt. The top half was royal blue satiny material with a layer of lace.

July 10, 2008
TMI Tuesday #142

SHIT. I was trying to copy my stuff from a draft and my stupid fat fingers lost it. FUCK.

ok. nevermind. i'll come back later.

(this is me, sneaking in to post more)

July 31, 2008
TMI Tuesday #145
This is a tribute to the late great George Carlin.

1. What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater', why would you heat hot water)
My language peeve is when someone needs to ask something and says "Question." THAT'S NOT A QUESTION. IT'S A STATEMENT.

2. What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
"dirty" word: Queeb. =D
"clean" word: sleep (at the moment)

3. What is the one word you cannot spell?
Maintenance. I can never remember if it's ten or tan, and yes I spell checked before I put it here.

4. What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
I never realized it until now, but I mispronounce "wolves". When I say it, it comes out "woovs", kinda sounds like I wuvs you, but with a long u. I know it's spelled right, but the L feels wrong when saying it.

5. If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
I'm sure there is one, but I can't think of it now. I'll come back to ya on that.

Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once sang, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental?
Hell, there are a lot of things I wish I could take back. I used to be very mean with a sharp tongue. That's part of the problem of being able to speak my mind. I never used to care what people thought or how they felt, I just called it like I saw it.

The most hurtful thing that I think I said was to M. Our friend, S lost her sister B. I had remembered that S told me that M was B's "first". So I said "S told me you were B's first. I always thought B had a crush on you." M told me that it was true. At the time that he was the first, B was much younger and M should have known better.

If you ask M, I'm sure he'll have a different answer for you.

Mute Monday - Brand/Brands

2008-07-28T09:03:00.003-04:00

Mute Monday - Science

2008-07-21T08:55:00.005-04:00

Tagged!

2008-07-21T08:33:00.002-04:00

The Amourous One knows that I can't resist these things...

5 things found in your bag:

1. Umbrella.

2. Magazine.

3. Scissors.

4. A notebook. Never know when you'll need to write something down. =)

5. My Happi pills

5 favourite things in your room:

1. Yarn.

2. The bed.

3. Laptop.

4. My playstation 2.

5. My cat.

5 things you have always wanted to do:

1. Go scuba diving.

2. See the wonders of the U.S. (Mt Rushmore, Grand Canyon, etc...)

3. See the architectural wonders of the world (Pyramids, Eiffel Tower, etc...).

4. Own my own business.

5. Move out of this state.

5 things you're currently into:

1. Learning how to knit.

2. Creating jewelry.

3. Sleeping (or trying to get as much as I can).

4. Trying to catch up on my blogging. I swear I'm not ignoring my lovely readers!!

5. Counting down the days until I finish InternSHIT and classes.

5 people you want to tag:

I actually like to leave this open to everyone. If you do it, shoot me a message so I can read your answers!

Who's that Kiki?

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part Two

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Part One

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

Time to turn the page...

Wow.

Project Me

Happiness is....

In a Nutshell

FML Moment

what a tangled web...

Ketchup

It's ALIIIIVE!!!

Mute Monday - Eastern

Mute Monday - Medical

Mute Monday - Independence

Mute Monday - A Year in Pictures

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to!

Mute Monday - Vision (as in architectural)

Mobile Blogging - Workout

Mobile Blogging - Up to here!

Happy Birthday, Amorous Rocker!!

Adventures in Nature

Mute Monday - Texture

Mute Monday - New York, New York

TMI Tuesday #186

Mute Monday - Spirits

TMI Tuesday #185

Mute Monday - Guess the Place IMG HEAVY

TMI Tuesday #184

Wedding, Fatties, and Book Club

Mute Monday - Clean

Friday 5 - Annoyance

Late Weird Wednesday

TMI Tuesday #183

Mute Monday - Outrage

Weird Wednesday #51

TMI Tuesday #182

Mute Monday - Food & Beverage

Wednesday Weirdness

TMI Ketchup

Ketchup

Choices

Mute Monday - Addiction

Mute Monday - Creature

Mute Monday - BIG

Mute Monday - W

Happy New Year!!

Under-medicated Me

TMI Tuesday #161

What's for breakfast?

TMI Tuesday #160

Mute Monday - M

Happy Halloween!!

Mute Monday - K *** IMG HEAVY ***

Cosmic Oddities

Mute Monday - J

Entering the big scary world...

Mute Monday - H

Mute Monday - G

Update

Wednesday Weirdness #20 (Late)

Mute Monday - Work

Next stop - Evictionville!

Damn dial-up

You've GOT to be joking

Ketchup and Mute Monday

Life and Death in the Garden

Cuppiecake!!!

Big ol' bottle o' Ketchup!!

Mute Monday - Brand/Brands

Mute Monday - Science

Tagged!

Mute Monday - K * IMG HEAVY *